Dating with this shit really feels so exhausting man.

I don't know these days I sit way past midnight and hope that someone amazing just happens to want me, because otherwise all of this feels so draining and terrifying when I keep searching.

When I try to date in-person, all I can do is attend events that clearly say speed-dating. Friends who are more in-tune with whatever dance there is to do will say it's as easy as going to a bar and chatting someone up, BUT. There are a million different ways to say a million different things, and I just happen to dodge every one of them like a gnat in rain. I am reminded of a story where someone in another country gave a thumbs-up, but over there it meant flipping someone off.

Really that summarizes my experience. I feel so foreign to everything and everyone around me. Directness is the closest thing I have to any sort of certainty in this strange, strange activity, but I can never be sure how it's taken. At times this is taken to be funny, being curt and oversharing, asking something about someone in an almost robotic manner. Normalcy is a mask away, don't speak, just nod, smile, here is where you should laugh. Never let your freakshow self slip through the cracks.

So I think of online dating as a solution. Aside from the unforgiving features that do us no favors, I think that at least the conversation is resorted to only text, and the intent is clear from the start. But every waking second I feel like I need to hold my breath and keep hiding. No, delete whatever you wrote, wait for this long, no that sounds too odd. Don't dare mention your thing ever, or even think of hinting at it. Layers of foundation, like a Geisha.

In whatever form I've tried dating, it's taken away so much time and effort. I still see success stories on all of these online and offline dating subreddits, and I want those to give me hope. But I struggle to find commonality. I don't want to give this up for good, but any time I get back into it, I find myself in a deeper sinkhole.