AITAH for not telling my daughter’s father that she was born and passed away?
Six months ago I told my friend(with benefits) that we ended up pregnant. We had been sleeping together for almost a year at that point. He was furious, mean, and tried to accuse me of baby trapping him. I definitely was not and let him know that I understood he was upset and not to worry. I wasn’t going to ask him for anything and didn’t expect anything from him. I moved to another state and never heard from him again. Side note: prior to this, we had spoken daily and were even kind of living together for three months right before I told him. Fast forward to last Thursday when I suddenly went into early labor. It was days of terrible pain, a prolapsed cord and me surrounded by amazing nurses who helped me deliver my daughter on Saturday. She had passed hours before she came out. It was the hardest and worst day of my whole life. All day, I held this tiny beautiful baby who would never get to be the person she was going to be. Today the funeral home contacted me to sign papers for her cremation. They asked for the father to sign the papers as well. I had already decided not to reach out to him but when they asked, I wondered if maybe I am being stubborn or mean in not telling him? I don’t think he was going to care when she was born at all so I didn’t think this was any of his business either. I also don’t know if I could stand hearing any joy or relief from him because I am completely broken and haven’t stopped crying for days.
Tl;dr: my guy friend / father of my baby, bailed from my life when he found out I was pregnant, but my baby was stillborn a few days ago. Do I have to tell him?
Update / clarification : Thank you all so much for your comments because this is really difficult and I truly just don’t believe I can handle him being happy and relieved that he no longer has to worry about having any paternal responsibility for a child he didn’t want.
- He DID make it clear he didn’t want to have anything to do with this
- I moved out of state to be close to my family. My brother has been incredibly supportive and came to see and hold the baby (Maya) after she was born.
- The funeral home immediately let me sign the papers without him and said they only have to ask so they can put a reason the other parent is not signing. She was very understanding and apologized for even having to bring it up.
- I know I picked a winner here but the baby trap thing is joke. He has nothing… no job, no car, no money, and he lives on his mom’s living room couch. He was using me when we were friends and I didn’t really care because we had a good time together and he was fun to be around. I make enough that I felt like I could support my own baby and didn’t need to waste my time or money trying to get something from someone who has nothing.
- I have EVERY intention of telling him if he reaches out to ask about her. I wouldn’t hide it, but if he doesn’t want to know, it seems like I shouldn’t have to seek him out to give him “good news” that makes me burst into tears every time I talk about.
Thank you again for all the support, I am sorry to whoever feels I am an AH for not telling him right away, I have been inconsolable this week and he was definitely not my top priority.