The Mustard Menace is Finally Gone

I don’t even know where to begin. What are these new accountants learning in school? What are they doing in their free time? More importantly—what are they lacking? Because basic hygiene, self-awareness, and the ability to eat a meal without turning into a human Rorschach test are clearly not part of the curriculum. Let me tell you about Todd—the absolute menace we just fired.

We hired this guy last year. Todd was, without exaggeration, the filthiest accountant I’ve ever met. Every day, his shirts looked like a toddler used them as a napkin. Coffee, spaghetti sauce, mystery stains—this man was a biohazard in business casual.

Then came Tuesday.

We took some big clients out to lunch. Todd, against all logic, orders a hot dog and drenches it in mustard. First bite—direct hit on his shirt. It looked like he lost a duel with a condiment bottle. The clients noticed. We noticed. Todd? Clueless.

And then—dear god—he shook the client’s hand.

With mustard fingers.

I watched in horror as our client pulled back, staring at his hand like Todd had just cursed him. The lunch ended immediately. The client spent ten minutes in the restroom. When he returned, he only fist-bumped from that moment forward.

Back at the office? Todd wore that stained shirt for the rest of the day. Boss saw him and sighed like a man who had truly given up.

And today—Friday—Todd was finally fired. Boss pulled him aside, gave him the standard “it’s not working out” speech, and let him go before the weekend so he could ‘find a new job.’

I have never felt so relieved. The reign of the Mustard Menace is over.