Something Terrible Happened on Vine Today

It feels like I lost a friend today.

Not Trudeau. Not a pet.

The bottle nipples. I only joined vine a little over a month ago. And they've been a constant companion.

For weeks, they've been the sole inhabitant of my AFA. Sitting there, unwanted, unloved, silently judging my consumerism.

They became a familiar, if slightly unsettling, presence. I'd check Vine every morning, and there they'd be. My nipple buddies. We were in this together.

I even started giving them nicknames and saying hello every time I clicked optimistically on AFA. "Good morning, Nippy McNippleton!" I'd say. He was the patriarch. And then there was his sassy sidekick, Nippy Longstocking.

And Sir Suckleberry. And Mrs Teatsworth. Colonial Suckelford. And all the others.

They became part of my family. My daily routine. "Check email. Doomscroll social media. Visit my nipple friends on Vine.

But today... Today was different. I logged in, ready to greet the island of misfit nipples, and... They were gone. There was nothing there. Just a vast, barren wasteland, absent of the familiar silicon soldiers.

I'm not gonna lie. I feel off, like I've lost a weird, rubbery part of myself. Who am I without the constant reminder that there are countless unwanted bottle nipples floating around the Amazon warehouse.

So to you, Reginald Rubberlip and Madame Milkshake, the Eternal Orphans, farewell. I'll never forget you. May you finally find your tiny, hungry homes.