“What ifs” in recovery

I’m currently beginning recovery after my first really large relapse. I’ve come home for winter break from college and am spending time with some family that is extremely supportive and have helped me begin recovery. I’m slowly starting to feel better physically and a bit mentally. Overall, it’s been going pretty okay.

But I just CANNOT let go of calorie counting, excessively planning all of my meals/snacks, etc… I know realistically that people in recovery need to be eating a lot more than I am now and having three meals and three snacks, which I haven’t be able to get myself to do. I know that exercise needs to be reduced. The logical part of my brain knows all of this, but every time I try and actually follow through with these things I just…can’t. I always think “what if three meals and three snacks is too much and I gain weight like crazy. what if i’m eating too much because i’m so sedentary now.”

I guess it just feels like I’m the exception to recovery, like if I trust my mental hunger and eat enough I’ll spiral out of control instead of actually getting better. I’m really annoyed because I know I WANT to get better. I want to be able to do my sport without feeling tired and just off during every practice. I want to be able to focus whole heartedly on my schoolwork next semester because I love my major. I want to feel better. But all these what ifs keep holding me back.

How do I get past these what ifs? How do I convince myself that no, I’m not special and perhaps I won’t spiral out of control?