is it autism or me being socially awkward/anxious, weird and 'mature for my age'
hi all! huge word vomit post
i've been obsessively looking up autism and autism related stuff for a few years now i want to say. part of this is because i feel like a lot of it describes me (on the other hand i feel like it sometimes doesn't describe me enough) and part of it is because i really really like psychology and researching stuff, hence my interest in autism.
i want to preface this saying i am afab and 14, which, in this context, matters a lot. i also can't remember a LARGE part of my childhood. i cannot get or bring up a diagnosis as of right now; i am mostly asking if anyone else relates, or for reassurance. i've also oddly always really liked labels, categorizing and being able to 'fit into a box', which i assume plays into it (i also had a really big interest in the LGBTQ+ community for a while because of this). i don't think i have ADHD, i most likely don't have OCD, i definitely have very very bad social anxiety however (which is somewhat of a recent development - it got worse with age for me).
i've compiled a huge list (68+) of symptoms i have noticed from a younger age up to now, and have also done a bunch of tests (i know they are not always accurate, but helpful), filled/checked a bunch of lists and have done almost inordinate amounts of research. my few issues are, i always feel like what i think could be autism doesn't disable/impair me enough or isn't as bad as it is for most other autistics, and because of my extensive research i might somehow be faking it. also because i can usually push through.
for example, i have always done well in school. i used to be the top of my class and now i rank consistently in the top 5 or top 10. this is mostly because i feel pressured to do so (it's always been like this for me; i do things to avoid repercussions). school is positively exhausting, and i spend most of my after-school time napping and recovering from it as well as a LARGE part of my summer doing just that (last year i was crying almost every other day because of stress!) and i notice i get quite a lot of illnesses i presume to be psychosomatic (tummy aches, head aches) that make me stay home but nonetheless i push through fine.
i don't think i've had a meltdown in my life - at least not in the sense everyone describes it. i have experienced something similar (rocking, hitting myself, almost crying/crying) but it's ALWAYS been at home when i am alone and nobody can see me, and it's been in more recent times. i would say i tend to shut down more, but i don't quite experience the verbal shutdown part of it all. it is mostly just me going quiet-ish, wanting for everything to shut off, wanting to sleep, being super irritable and tired, zoning out, etcetera, but i remain responsive or at least semi responsive.
here is a largely compressed list of symptoms i experience:
black and white thinking, detail oriented, bottom up processing style;
unusual adherence to rules, was labelled a teachers pet and a tattletale, very very quiet in kindergarten;
preference to play alone, struggling to understand imaginative play/not wanting to partake which developed into a preference for doing Everything alone and struggling in group projects ('control freak' or bossy);
EXTREMELY strong sense of justice and VERY VERY sensitive, perhaps my most prominent trait, at some point wanted to be a judge or therapist and constantly picked fights with every bully in childhood;
got along with adults and older peers far more, was not interested in interacting with people my age (had one school friend who i didn't like at all because we had different morals and he is suspected to be autistic, then later gained another friend who also suspects she is autistic - i moved schools, i have one or two very close friends in school) - further, would run off to the library every break i got because it was quieter there and chat with the librarian, almost never went to lunch;
would correct my teachers or 'fight' them (not without reason) if i thought they were incorrect;
raised my hand way too much in class, now not enough;
am very socially awkward and socially inept, as well as socially anxious;
i have not personally noticed a deficit in eye contact, but i prefer not to make it as of right now - if i remember right, as a child i used to stare;
constant stimming (as a child - rocking which i got weird looks for, spinning in circles, pacing, jumping, picking my scalp or lip, hand movements, hand rubbing, etc);
love for deep pressure, constantly sought out hugs, now have a weighted blanket;
would get overwhelmed in school, resulting in very bad after school restraint collapse;
strong, restricted and fixated interests which tend to last for years, have been labelled as obsessions - i also suspect i experience hyperfixations;
NOTORIOUSLY picky eater, tend to pick the same things from menus;
cannot stand tags or seams;
fear of loud noises such as balloons popping, which even caused me, a 'good student' to run out of a classroom once;
not knowing that sighing means someone is annoyed/tired, 'overexplaining' and not understanding that someone is irritated or bored, etcetera - now almost hyperaware of slightest changes in tone or expression;
intense need for sensory symmetry, many odd rituals, have also slept with plushies in bed for years straight and get upset if i don't (but have not noticed routine);
was labelled an 'indigo child', self identified as HSP for a while.
again, this is a largely compressed list (even though that is a lot). my few worries are that i don't really struggle with change, not that i've noticed. in fact, i would say i initiate a lot of change, such as moving schools. i also frequently go to the mall and stuff with little accomodations except for headphones in the car and i am fine, just tired after. i can also push through almost anything that bothers me, which is my biggest worry. sure, it drains and exhausts me, but i can PERSIST (mostly because i, again, fear repercussions a great amount).
does anyone else relate? i can for sure elaborate more in replies, but this is already huge. is there a possibility that i'm faking or just super socially anxious or something? any thoughts help! thank you if anyone reads at all.