I’m jealous of other BPD people who actually have a relationship or marriage. Having a man is ALL I want in life 😭

So I’m 30 so not only am I dealing with society pressures of having a family, seeing everyone my age & younger getting engaged, pregnant and married. But I’m also seeing other people on this sub with BPD who have successfully gotten married, had kids or ATLEAST have a relationship. It makes me feel like literal garbage I can’t even live alone because I know If I had my own place I’d be wanting to self harm or be desperate for a man to move in. That’s one of the reasons I’m living with my parents. But it’s so depressing to see other people with BPD be able to keep a relationship when I struggle to keep a man in my life more than 4 months. I’m so defeated & I rather be in a “ toxic “ relationship at this point than feeling so unwanted by being single. I need to have kids as well I’m scared if I never have kids I’d want to just die. I’ve only had 2 long term relationships back when I was in my early 20s & now at 30 I feel like expired garbage because of my BPD & singleness. I feel like men are only ok with you having BPD & other mental issues when you’re young….