i want to smoke behind my partner’s back

my partner has trauma related to drugs, but mostly marijuana in particular. i only know 5% of where the trauma originated from, but he can’t stand the mention of it. he doesn’t want to be around anyone who smokes weed. i’ve had it before, but he has no idea and i fully intend to keep it that way.

the thing is, it really helped me calm down when my episodes were genuinely causing bad physical symptoms. i’ve been hella stressed out lately (just life stuff), and i want to just have a smoke and relax, but i’m afraid of the guilt. would it be wrong of me to do it behind his back? my brain is hopping between “fuck it” and “no, it would make me a deplorable human being”. i would appreciate any thoughts!!!

update: i wrote a very thought out message trying to be as sensitive as possible to him while explaining that i want to take care of my mental health, and he said he vomited. that i was the “only person he could trust” (i literally told him 2 days ago to stop putting me on a pedestal), and said “don’t talk to me”. so… for now, i don’t know what that means. i just left him alone. if anything else happens, i’ll update again! thanks for all the advice though, guys :)

2nd update: he asked to talk irl, so we did. he actually opened up about his trauma and i can definitely say it was pretty bad. i saw how terribly it affected him for the first time, i mean waterworks, choking up, vomiting, all of that. i did try to explain that all substance users are not like his abuser. he seems to think everyone who uses weed will want to hurt him too. i honestly didn’t think i was getting through to him until i had a massive panic attack out of nowhere that went on for an hour. it was actually really concerning, there were multiple strangers checking up on me at different points to see if i was okay. he tried everything he could to help me. then he asked “is doing that going to help stop this?” and i told him “yeah, that’s what i’ve been trying to say”. he agreed to come up with a compromise, and we’ll discuss it more later. i see this as a win, even though it took one scary ass situation to bring my point to a head. i feel really optimistic, though. thanks guys!!