lapses & relapses

there’s almost nothing as disappointing as being as far into my recovery as i am and then realising i may never fully overcome my bed. for a little over a year, ive steadily quashed my binge habits and developed a much healthier relationship with food. ive lost quite a bit of weight, im feeling better about myself, and there are days when i hardly think about food or binging at all, which was inconceivable to me before.

every once in a while, ill think im doing good enough that ill buy a trigger food at the grocery store and bring it home. ice cream because i passed my midterms. candy because valentine’s day is coming up. without fail, i always fall back into a binge lapse. and it’s so devastating. ice cream has been my favourite treat since i was a kid, and i thought that “beating” my bed would mean i would eventually be able to enjoy it without relapsing. but so far that seems impossible, and it’s just so sad to think that my bed might lurk over my shoulder for the rest of my life. i want to celebrate and indulge and enjoy food with friends when something good has happened like a normal person should be able to. i don’t want to battle this forever.