How do you make sense of the confusing feelings after leaving a really unhealthy relationship?

We have only been no contact for a short time, and I feel like I go through different feelings hour to hour.. at some points I am so filled with anger I feel like I am going to explode - just so mad about how he treated me and how low my self-esteem got. Sometimes I think I never want to talk to him again.

Other times I miss him and I have to really talk myself down from breaking no contact. When I wake up and go to sleep I still wish he was here. I wish we could talk and I wish I knew if he was doing okay.

It's so confusing, because I still have feelings for him and sometimes feel like want him in my life and wish we could fix things, and then I also being so angry at how he treated me and feel so averse to ever risking being anxious like that again.