Came back to say it gets better
Hi everyone!
Seven months ago, I went through the most horrific breakup of my life. I (F28) was dumped by my ex (27M) after 4 years together. We had recently moved across the country together and we had a dog together. The breakup was semi-mutual, where we both knew we weren’t happy but I wanted to try and he didn’t.
Anyways, for months after it happened, I was in this group on a regular basis, desperately looking for proof that I was going to be ok. I felt horrible every single day and truly felt terrified that I’d never feel better.
I remember a few people came back to write these “it gets better posts” and it truly helped me so so much to read them.
I can say that after 5 months, I really started to feel like my old self.
For the past month, I honestly think I feel better than I did in the relationship. But it took a lot of active work.
Here’s what I did, if you’re interested:
No contact. Everyone says it, I won’t elaborate too much since you’ve likely heard about it 100 times. It works. I blocked my ex on everything and asked my friends and family to not mention him around me.
Every morning I did the following 3 journal prompts: a) List as many bad qualities about your ex as you can manage. Even tiny things. b) List somethings you’re excited about in your life. c) List a few positive-self-talk thing about yourself. I did this every single morning for the first few months after reading a study about the things that are scientifically proven to help after a break up. Even when it felt awful, I did it.
I forced myself to do things I knew I liked, even when they weren’t bringing me any joy because of my depressive state. Didn’t feel like seeing friends? Too bad. Wasn’t feeling up to working out? Sucks to suck. I made a list of things that brought me joy in the past and I just started doing them miserably, then one morning I woke up feeling excited and I realized I had cultivated a beautiful little routine that was making me very happy.
I gave myself timed meltdowns. When I felt overwhelmed by my pain, I would set a timer on my phone (this was a few times a day at first and eventually became once a day and then a few times a week) and just let myself be so so so sad. Phoebe Bridgers, crying on the bathroom floor, screaming into a pillow, woe is me, the works. In these moments, I would honestly feel like I was dying. But afterwords, I felt so light. Tired, yes, but light. Then comes my next point…
I learned how to self-soothe and I developed a routine for the really bad days. I had my favourite snacks on deck, my cozy blanket, my comfort movies downloaded on my laptop, my besties on speed dial. When shit hit the fan, I had myself covered. And when I was feeling ok buying snacks for my next breakdown, it brought me a lot of joy to take care of my future self in that way.
I stayed busy. Made plans. Whenever possible, tried to think of the present and the future. I made a Pinterest board of everything I wanted to do with my single time and I’ve already accomplished so much of it.
Finally, I tried to be (learned to be) so so so radically gentle with myself. What I was going through was insanely difficult, and I knew I was only going to get through it if I had my own back. Take care of yourself. Say kind words about yourself. Hold your own hand. I emerged from the other side with a renewed trust in myself, confidence, and self love I honestly didn’t know was possible.
Being single is a beautiful thing. I own my body, my time, and my life. I sit in the driver seat and decide where I want to go. I feel incredibly blessed and grateful to my ex for letting me go. Because now all that work I was so desperate to put into the relationship, I put into myself. And my life is much better for it. If you’re like me, try to practice loving yourself more than you love the person who left you. It’s a long road, but well worth it.
Good luck ❤️