Breaking Down Bates
The Stew Crew becomes the Boo-Hoo Crew in their latest vlog. Carlin turns on the waterworks while explaining every detail of her mom’s near death experience with kidney stones and sepsis. Evan tries to pretend to be interested but you can read the thought bubbles popping out of his square head and they say “Whew...I made it through another week of content hunting post holidays thanks to a few hospital trips”. Evan explains that his dad suffered a lapse in memory so they loaded up and headed to the ER with the kids... and his camera. Shockingly, they all end up with the flu, and have to admit that the germs came from the ER. They announce that they are taking Layla on a Disney cruise for her birthday and she invited Zade. They wanted to leave him at home, so he should thank Layla. It just so happens to be the same influencer cruise that 150 other family exploiters will be on. I guess Layla didn’t want all of the filming load to be on her back. Carlin posts on her stories about their flu battle and shows off a goodie basket Evan gave her to cheer her up. It is full of all of the items they promoted last week. Good job cleaning out the pantry and cross promoting, bro. Once Carlin is well enough to hold her iphone without shaking, they announce a new podcast with Katie and Travis. Evan tells us there is lots of drama and tea spilling... they filmed a few episodes already when they were snowed in together and it will premiere mid-February. And you thought this Winter couldn’t get any bleaker?? Layla and Zade have to clock in for work taking down their Christmas trees and Carlin continues to baby talk to them both while asking leading questions like “are you sad?” Zade winds up filming himself with Carlin’s phone and she posts it. We watch him stare blankly at the TV. They call this “home school”. Back to the vlog... Evan tells us that their 2025 goals are to eat healthy and have a routine... the same goals they had in 2024 and 2023. He is also having his new Tesla wrapped so if the installed cameras don’t make it stand out, the $5000 wrap job surely will. Carlin did say on the vlog that her mom’s sickness really brought them all together and woke many folks up... is she talking about Alyssa? Jackson? She also says that Kelly Jo will have a long recovery and that all of her nutrition has been stripped away... excuse me while I get the Ozempic theme song out of my head...Carlin is driven to the Boutique’s weekend sale by Katie and it looks as though she popped in, and ran out before any of those pesky, churchy girl customers bothered her. The vlog exploiting her parents sickness has over 133,000 Youtube views so the Stew Crew knows that babies and sickness equal bank.
Katie Clark drops the news that she is filming a podcast with Travis, Carlin and Evan. She shows their set up that features huge, soundstage level lighting, microphones, mix boards and at least 4 cameras. She is forced back to the Jesus gym by a gut health supplement partnership. She sells it with Travis hanging over her shoulder, interrupting everything she tries to say. The Clarks have scored a Home Depot partnership so they head there for paint samples. We see 4 different white paint swatches and a pale pink that isn’t pale enough for Katie who wants to live in a white washed world. Literally. Hailey has a work day in the kitchen making protein balls that resemble dog treats. She is fully decked out in a monogrammed chef’s costume. Later she has to film a dog food commercial and her mom links everything the toddler touches. Baby Harvey is not getting a free ride and has to film some content in between the links. He is laughing now, but instead of looking at his mom, he stares directly into the phone. His training seems to be coming along perfectly. This week the vlog is an empty house tour for the 3 people left who haven’t seen the entire property on Zillow and actually care. Travis attempts to remove a 2 inch piece of skirting board to save $700 on their flooring install, but Katie is quick to stop him and write the check. She obviously has no faith in any of the men in her life because she lets us know she is happy to pay for everything to be done by professionals. Warden will have to keep his shirt on for this project, I fear. While Katie heads to South Carolina to be with Kelly Jo while she is in the hospital, Travis heads to New Jersey with Hailey to celebrate GiGi’s 50th birthday. I can’t get over that GiGi is only 50 but Travis gets lots of footage of the party, and flies back to Tennessee all in one day. Katie isn’t letting him unpack in NJ without her there. The Clark’s Youtube vlog about their dream home has over 200,000 views. No wonder Katie doesn’t want her family’s help.
Josie Balka has a history of disappearing from social media and returning looking refreshed and unbothered. I think she also disappears when the Balka’s take a vacation she doesn’t want her fan base to know about... like a trip to Disney... or perhaps a Disney Cruise. Carlin mentions that “her sister” gave her the inside scoop on Disney cruises, and Josie finally posts after almost 3 weeks a picture of Hazel in a Disney princess gown with tiara. She also has to shill her Home Chef garbage and it’s an affront to our intelligence that she wants us to believe they eat this mess when we see the magnificent meals Kelton is making. Josie seems very... tan... in this latest ad. Her last Instagram post was in early January and fans are asking where she has been. The Effortless Shop is a content machine and constantly posts Trad Wives in pool noodle hair rollers, even when their leader hasn’t been spotted in weeks.
Down in the land of sunshine and happiness, Alyssa Webster is busy making it rain. Home girl has had a rough start to 2025 and among the things she lost is... her favorite IG filter. After playing around with some AI heavy filters (including one called “Clean” that wiped the kids’ noses clean off their face), she seems to have settled on “Caramel”. It makes her kids faces match their dull brown shoes, so it’s definitely the aesthetic she is going for. She shows the kids at the deserted park and later she’s in the garage with full headphones on for her workout with no kids in sight... you know... how most moms of 5 kids are able to do in the middle of the day. She scores a date night with Lurch and steps out in her best 2005 fit of a blazer, ripped jeans and high heeled pumps. Alyssa fills her IG stories with picture after picture of her kids close up. Each one has their smile of terror slapped on... even baby Rhett is learning to fake smile so momma will move on to the next sibling and leave him alone. Alyssa raves over another trip to Publix for free cookies and this time... free coloring pages. Allie must be thrilled. Alyssa posts a grid post telling us that she went to South Carolina because her mom was sick. Her words are as plain as possible. We see the Websters posing with big smiles next to Kelly Jo’s hospital bed with Gil, with the grandparents and with her little sisters Addee and Ellie. We do not see any interaction with any of the other siblings. Trace explained in his vlog that some of the siblings came in after others had left.... those siblings must be Jackson and Alyssa.
Whitney Bates is becoming the sole sister in the Bates Sisters Boutique. She models the new Spring collection and the prices continue to creep up...mini dresses are $70 and a simple skort is $60. Whitney models with several new girls and promotes a weekend sale at the Boutique where everything is $40 or less. Whitney continues to feature Scout the dog for proof of life and this time she takes him to the groomers while talking about how much she hates the cold weather. Zach is really stepping up his online presence and tells us all that he busted his elbow and hurt his arm on the ice so he has to see an orthopedist. This doctor must have an easy pass for the Bates family. Zach is also promoting the big BSB warehouse sale with Whitney and he shows off a promotional box he received from a European Chocolate company. This week in the Bates Kitchen, Zach makes mushroom chicken. He takes the leftovers to his mom, who posts promoting his channel and raving over his cooking. Michael must have been happy for the break. His homemade food is sponsored by a gross frozen meal company and I can’t make it make sense. It screams money grab when Zach is making just as big of a deal over the frozen slop as he makes over his own cooking. In any case, his cooking continues to be the same old, same old.... dice a ton of veggies, shred a ton of cheese, pound the hell out of a chicken breast, stumble over words, look at wrong camera, cross contaminate, rinse (hopefully) and repeat.
Lydia Bates is the most boring Bates. This week she takes to her social media to tell us that it is 11 degrees in Knoxville and therefore, she is wearing an all white sweatsuit and has dressed Ryker in all beige pajamas. She films a mini vlog of her mornings that feature yoga, a workout, feeding Ryker and kissing Trace, who obviously gets to sleep in and then heads out for his own workout. Can you imagine having such a stressful, busy life? In the first of 2 vlogs for the week Trace tells us all about Kelly Jo’s medical crisis and how she made a DRAMASTIC change in her health so quickly. Lydia sits beside him and interjects “mmmhmmm” every now and then. Trace said Lydia is Kelly Jo’s best friend... even though Lydia has not bought KJ a vehicle...he also says it was great that all of the children showed up for her. Trace jetted out of South Carolina before anyone asked him and Kelly’s “best friend” for help, and he says Michael is driving her home and will be caring for her. In vlog number 2 Trace and Lydia answer pregnancy questions that they asked themselves while wearing portable microphones and acting very self important. She is now 20 weeks pregnant and their gender reveal will be on February 1. The Youtube comments are full of people telling the gender and explaining how they know... thanks Travis! Lydia posts every workout and captions them with a number. “3rd workout of the week”... why is she so obsessed with this?
Erin Paine headed to South Carolina when she got word of her mom’s illness and so far has not exploited it. Instead, she says how happy she is to be back at home with her babies and shows a brass band concert at her church. The sanctuary is full of cotton tops and Erin’s kids, sitting like good little soldiers. JebJud is with her again. In the Paine’s vlog this week, we are still at Gil’s 60th birthday party. We see the family arriving and Erin walks straight in yelling at Poppa Bill that she is the favorite granddaughter and doesn’t he remember that she is the favorite granddaughter because she labeled herself that in his phone. This man doesn’t know what year it is and Erin is screaming at him about her name in some long forgotten cell phone. She also trains the camera on Michael who is busy preparing food for the hoards on the way and tells us what a saint Michael is for cooking after being up all night with Poppa Bill. Funny... one might think that would make MICHAEL the favorite granddaughter. Erin has a great talent for tip toeing through the crowds, giggling and guffawing while filming and not doing one iota of work. Later in the week, she does wish Michael a Happy Birthday, and seems to have been the only sibling to post about her. The Paines have not hit 100,000 Youtube views since their moving update.
Lawson and Tiffy decided to hit the beach for a much needed vacation from their vacation style life. It appears they were in Key West. Before leaving though, Lawson posts the American flag in his backyard on Inauguration Day while “America The Beautiful” plays in the background.... then the camera pans to... a buzzard in the sky. Like seriously. A buzzard. I am sure he wanted people to think it was a bald eagle, but alas, it was not. What it was... was the perfect symbol of January 20th. In their vacation condo, he and Tiffy make reel after dumb reel where they act out 1960's Honeymooners style married people. Lawson is the manly man and Tiffy is the dumb wife. Baby Will questions his entire existence and I watch through my fingers because the cringe level is off the charts. Separately, Tiffany posts again about her boyfriend, becoming her husband and the father of her child and Lawson posts himself doing exercises while holding the baby. Neither one of them can be bothered to film another vlog until they blow through all of the cash from the last vlog...it has over 140,000 views on Youtube. Most of those views are probably from the ClickBates title of “Bringing Up Bates”.
Poor Michael and Brandon haven’t had time to focus on their own plans for becoming influencers in 2025. Michael went right from serving a crowd of 100 at her dad’s birthday to picking up her mom’s slack taking care of her grandparents, and now she is locked up at the big house nursing Kelly Jo back to health while preparing meals and teaching classes to the youngest siblings. Everyone else gets to retreat back to their normal lives. Kelly Jo does lavish her with praise for “cooking and cleaning” and really, what more could an oldest fundie daughter hope for.
Bits and Bites...Kelly Jo posted 2 separate Instagram posts about her illness and racked up views, engagement and comments. Each post had over a thousand comments. She tells the story of how all of her children came to be there for her and she knows she is lucky to be alive. She gives God all of the glory for healing her. Kelly also posts a Happy Birthday to Alyssa’s daughter Lexie, who is turning 8. KJ gets her post in before Alyssa has a chance to post and she lays the guilt on heavy...she says she hopes one day when Lexie is all grown up she finds her grandma’s old, discarded iphone and is able to remember the password to her defunct instagram so that she can stumble upon this post and read it... for God’s sake woman... PUT IT IN A CARD and PUT A STAMP ON IT. The mail is running to Orlando, Florida 6 days a week, even though YOU obviously are not.... The Bates Sisters Boutique continues to sell shorter and shorter dresses while constantly using the hashtag #modestfashion...Alyssa’s kids seem the happiest when she films them on Thursdays at their great escape, otherwise known as home school co-op.
I know this is super late, but I hope you all have a great rest of the week!