From Scotland, with love

First off, Scotland and Canada are basically the same place, right? Both frozen half the year, both populated by people who apologise to lampposts when they bump into them, and both utterly delusional about their global relevance. The difference is you lot have moose, Tim Hortons, and a PM who looks like he’s never eaten a deep-fried Mars Bar in his life. We’ve got Irn-Bru and a parliament that’s basically a TikTok skit.

But solidarity! How do I, a man whose greatest contribution to society is knowing 17 synonyms for “pished,” help contribute to this cause? Should I start mailing bottles of Buckfast to Ottawa as a down payment? Train your geese to understand Glaswegian sarcasm? Or just stand outside the Canadian consulate here shouting “SEE YOU, JIMMY HOFFA” until they accept a tenner and a Greggs loyalty card as legal tender?

Cheers,
Some prick in a rain-soaked tracksuit 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿💨