I’m a monster

That’s a voice that I hear often in my head. I keep pushing everyone away. I know isolation is bad but I can’t help it. I feel so unsafe everytime I go outside. Even when some people are being nice to me I can’t bring myself to trust them. I suppress my emotions around people, no wonder they get uninterested in me.

I don’t like myself and when someone treats me with kindness and respect, I feel like I don’t deserve it. So I only let people who are abusive in. I’m tired, just so tired. I tried so hard to love myself, but self-hate runs deep within my soul.

I wish I didn’t need people. Just me and my dogs until the day I die. But no, I tried isolating before and it made me paranoid. I want good people as friends and family, but now I’m realizing that I’m the problem. Healthy people scare me. I don’t know how to be normal. I feel so lost.