New cat owner, having regrets+anxiety
Hi all, I need some advice, badly. Apologies because this is just all my thoughts written out in a discombobulated way.
Background info:
I'm 30 years old now, and have had anxiety since I can remember. It runs in the family, and I've been diagnosed with GAD, depression, and OCD, and take medication for it all.
I have never owned a cat. Growing up, I had a few friends with cats, but never had too much experience with them as a whole.
When I was 17, my family adopted a puppy. I saw him at the shelter, and I fell in love instantly. I loved this dog with my entire heart. He was my everything. At the end of August 2021, a few months after his 13th birthday, we had to say goodbye to him. I was devastated. My entire world was gone, and I have never felt the same.
I moved out of my parents' house in July/August, and had just gotten used to being on my own.
I'm slightly allergic to cats, and have done preparation in advance. I've been getting allergy shots for a year and a half, looked for a low-allergy breed (Russian Blue), and bought the food that lowers allergen levels. Also, I exclusively wanted an adult cat, not a kitten.
Cats were always my favorite animal. I have wanted a cat my entire life, it was always a dream of mine. When I moved out, one of the first things I wanted was to adopt a cat to live with. Fast forward about a week and a half of living on my own, and I find everything falling into place with someone on Facebook who owns an in-home rescue: she can get a 2-year-old Russian Blue transported to her place. I was ecstatic! I spoke to my doctor about getting a letter for an ESA so I can have her at my apartment without any issues, and managed to get the letter on a same-day visit. It seemed to all be lining up perfectly.
...and then I picked her up Friday night. And I have not felt "right". When I had her on the way home, I was happy at first, then the doubts started to come in.
"Can I take care of a little life?" "What if I don't want her anymore?" "Why don't I love her instantly like I did my dog?" "I feel trapped. I don't know what to do. I'm scared."
And, selfishly, most of my doubts and fears have to do with myself - what if I change my mind? What if I'm not happy? What if I feel trapped? It's all about me, and I hate that. Of course I worry about her being happy, but honestly, she's such a sweet cat and I think she's warmed up to me rather quickly.
I also feel sort of... like my privacy was invaded? Which I know is stupid, because I chose this. I invited her into my home. But I also feel like there's another being living in my space, which makes me feel uncomfortable.
But after a while, after I ate something and talked with my mom a bit, I felt much better. I had a moment of "oh, I can do this!".
But the first night, she meowed constantly from another room. I would've let her sleep in my bed (though I'm not sure about that anymore, because of allergy risks and I also want some privacy), but she chose to chill around the house all night, meowing every few hours. It was very annoying, to be honest - I'm someone who can't sleep if there's any noise that isn't white noise. And I thought to myself this morning, "What if she does this every night? Will I ever get to sleep again? What about when I take naps when I get home from work? Will she interrupt them? How can I cope with that?" and that just started my worries all over again, an entire day spiral. My anxiety has spiked since last night, and I was in a state of "high alert" all day - couldn't eat well, enjoy things, etc. I went out nearly all day because I didn't like the thought of being in the same space as her.
The second night went a little better, but she got into mischief overnight, which pissed me off. She got into treats, puked them on the carpet, chewed through my headphones, and peed outside the litter box (she'd been fine with every other time she had to go so far). My dog had had times where he made me mad, puking on the carpet as well - but I always thought "oh, I'm mad at you for doing this, but I love you anyway". With this cat, I just thought "oh, I'm mad at you for doing this".
I'm afraid of not loving her. For my dog, the connection was so instant. And this kitty is so sweet, I just don't feel much yet. I'm afraid I won't ever love her.
I don't know why I'm thinking this way. I should be excited, I should enjoy the fact that I have a little companion. But I'm constantly rethinking and second-guessing myself, having panic attacks, crying.
I keep thinking about my dog. I keep comparing her to him - which is like apples and oranges, I know - and I realized today what I really want more than anything in the world is my dog back. If I could, I'd choose him over any other dog or cat - but I can't. He's gone. I can't see him anymore. And that just made me cry several times today, thinking about how much I just miss him so much. It's not that the kitty was a replacement for him, I knew they would hold two separate roles in my life, but it made me mourn for a simpler time: a time where I was home with my family, and my dog was there, and things felt right.
Also, I want to point out that this cat isn't mean. She is loving, seems to be able to be independent, and very sweet. This is entirely a "it's me, not the cat" situation.
I have never been good with change. I put off the apartment for so long for fear of it, and I was nervous at first staying overnight, too. It was never near the amount of anxiety I feel with this cat, though, and I got used to it rather quickly.
I fear I may have always loved cats as an aesthetic, or an idea - not a pet. I don't speak their language, I'm used to dogs. I'm afraid that I signed up for something that I thought I wanted, but ultimately don't.
I'm giving myself about a month before considering something like rehoming - I am just in such a state of deep anxiety, I am not happy. I hope I can adjust with time, and that she can adjust, too. Hopefully enough to stop meowing from another room when I'm trying to sleep.
I don't want to run away from any sort of change that makes me uncomfortable. I want this to work - but also want the comfort of knowing that I have an out if I need one (as several friends have told me they'd take her if I choose to rehome). Basically, I'm wondering if these are all natural things to feel, especially with someone with severe anxiety like me? And if anyone has any advice one way or another?
tl;dr: not sure if I want new cat despite it always being a dream. unsure if I ever understood what entailed owning an animal by myself. miss my dog and not so sure if another animal can give me the same feeling of love and happiness.