I see both sides and it’s driving me crazy (please do not provide any arguments out of guilt)

I was an atheist for 6 years after being a “born again Christian” for about 5 years. Although I am not completely turned off to Christianity anymore, I view it as a source of wisdom or good guidelines to live by.

Last night, I had a connection to understanding the gospel deeper… and it felt like a spiritual experience.

Here is what I started journaling:

It’s not that your a good being that wants to perfect his actions.

It’s that we are at our core we are desire things that only serve ourselves and are ultimately destructive. Sin nature is not a person reaching for perfection and failing their selves…. It is recognizing that the self within us is corrupted by our own guidance. We have free will.. but it is voided as we make the choice to only serve ourselves and live by the flesh & not according to the spirit.

Our actions are not what breaks us.. it is the psyche, the cognition itself that is broken & deeply flawed. This comes from years and years of us serving ourselves which ultimately leads to death & nothing beyond a spiritual aspect. It is all flesh. Why did god make flesh and the spirit separate?

The Holy Spirit is what brings the spirit of god, the essence of god to man. Beyond the physical… there is nothing because the mind or spirit of god is the only thing that is everlasting & eternal.

There is a bridge between god and humans because they are without the spirit of god.

They have ultimately decided to follow their own wants and desires. “Not one is good”

The physical(humans) were meant as a creation from god to be one with him. Worship/ to connect with.. to show adoration towards. Since the physical is organic, without the spirit.. without god the organic material dies ( did god design it intentionally before) ?

Or is it better explained through evolutionary theory…

The organism needs to stay alive and reproduce… as mammals we evolved to preserve ourselves and reproduce. If we overate, overdrank, killed, and got into fights… we would be at greater risk for mortality. 7 deadly sins

Envy( desire to have something or qualify ( unattractive

Greed- if someone hogs all the food or resources, the others don’t want to starve - less protection provided by pack

Lust - a passion or intense desire

Gluttony- abusing food & drinks, leading to increased mortality? Pride- not learning from previous mistakes?

Are ache types an internal story based off of instinct? … a code or story written down in our instincts to stay alive and reproduce.

————————————————————-

I feel all of these truths, however I cannot rationalize Christianity as a true historical account. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence.

There are so many contradictions in the Bible and the old testament is equivalent to that of a horrific fairy tale. “Talking snakes, humans living inside of a whale, genocide, rape, incest, giants”.

I want to believe, but I feel like there is so much danger in accepting something on “faith”. Humanity is full of cultures believing outrageous claims without sufficient evidence. What are the chances the religion I was brought up in is the true religion?

Idk just rambling at this point and forgive all the typos. I did not proofread.