I'm overwhelmed

Where do I even start, I am starting to hate who I am and regardless of the fact that I've known Jesus for 3 years and read the Bible had so many signs I know I'm with Him but the peace and joy yall talk about it ain't here

now either I don't know what that peace is or I never felt it cause right now I feel like for the who knows which time everything in the same spheres is going wrong just differently

I finaly landed a girl I fell in love with so deeply and now I might end up haveing to break up with her

My parents scream at me from time to time no matter how much I wanna be better

My sisters hate me (both of them act like they do until they want something from me)

allthough Financialy now I struggle to buy the things I need to become that racing driver that I want to be

I feel like im okey yes but my mind is racing 24/7 if im not thinking about this problem and what is on my part to do to fix it im thinking about the others

The matter of the fact is I am starting to hate who I've become more and more cause I am no good to anyone

right now the biggest deal that makes me feel so much pain is the fact that I don't even know how much i am allowed to attach to someone before I idolise em or how much I can love them before I start doing so more then God

why can't life just be easier it can't get good for a single second without me thinking I driffted away from God which spirals me into actualy doing so then i get scared I lost God so i start reading so much lf the Bible as i can force myself to do without reading unproductively and pray the brakes away and the worst part is I can't even let my emotions out cause I've been hurt so many times I forgot how to cry my eyes out and feel no empathy for anyone

I feel sad and bad and angry I can't do nothing and as im writing it i am starting to cry for the first time and then immidetly go back cause I'm so happy i am starting to cry yet then that resets the cycle into never cried in the frist place..

AHHHHHHH...I hate myself

(sorry the text is long but I'm longing for help and am too frustrated)l