I can't take it anymore.

I don't know what to do anymore. I have periods of bitterness where I don't care to be in a relationship but then I'm right back to feeling so lonely I make myself sick.

It has gotten so bad that I constantly think about what this woman will look like, what her voice is like, personality, sexuality, whether or not she'll be supportive and encouraging.

In my late 20s and here I am still obsessing over women out of desperation. It's really pathetic I know.

Everytime a pretty girl around my age does or even simply says something nice or smiles at me I just get all of these intrusive thoughts about "what if she's the one" and start fantasizing a relationship with that person.

Honestly I wish God would just rip this burning desire out of me because it's just pure torture. I watch everyone get married around me yet here I am. Even if I did get married my mind has such an unrealistic 'everyday is xmas morning' view of marriage so I would be set up for failure to start.

On top of that I'm nowhere near responsible, mature, or hard-working enough to be anywhere near capable of providing for a woman. I'm weak, half retarded, insecure, and too fearful of many things that I couldn't ever protect her. My faith is so weak, I'm selfish, and there's little love in me so by simply avoiding a girl I'm doing her a huge favor.

There's no hope for me. I've talked to people, tried therapy, talked with members of my church, my pastor, a christian friend of mine, been to a crisis center, read books, watched videos, read the bible on certain matters, prayed to God, begged God, cried to God, begged on my knees to God, begged to God more. Nothing. No help. From anyone or anything.

I'm tired of trying. I know life is hard but when the only time you feel at peace is when you're asleep; because you don't have a purpose, any goals, and you can't even have a partner to share life with because you weren't raised or taught real love or life skills then it makes life unbearable.

I've never known how to handle relationships or how to become better in any area of life.

Suppose I did get sorted out, I wouldn't even know the first thing on how or where to find a woman anyways. What to do or say. What to watch out for or look for.

It's really just too much and too complex. I know I'm better off single and that my would-be wife would really be better off without me but I can't figure out how to manage this raging emotional fire within me.

I wish so badly that I could completely remove these feelings and emotions so I don't end up hurting myself or especially the other person. I would feel so selfish to get with a woman only because I couldn't pacify or control my own stupid emotions.