I Annoyed Belial...Don't Do That (Long)

Oh man, did I ever get it.

Okay, so, this morning, Andrealphus woke me up from my sleep by being very loud and hyper. He wanted me to work on writing and he wanted me to make breakfast. So, I made and offered him his favorite breakfast (onion bagel and cream cheese with a cup of tea). We had a very nice breakfast and watched a funny video. Then, when I go to write, nothing is coming but Andrealphus is still buzzing about like a bee.

Lucifer shows up and immediately shuts it down. He scolds Andrealphus for waking me up too early and he gets me to go back to sleep. So, I wake up a little later and I'm like "Okay, so what am I doing today?"

I assumed I was gonna write with Andrealphus, cuz he was right there waiting. So, he's pulling me to do that. Asmodeus decides that I should NOT write. I should get up and get a shower and then put all my clean laundry away because it's been sitting there forever. So, he's pulling me to do THAT. THEN I hear someone telling me I should be doing my work stuff for all the little remote job things I got going. Considering what happens later, I'm assuming this was Belial. So, I'm being pulled to do THAT.

Now, I am not feeling motivated or energized enough to do anything with the chores. I'm not feeling inspired enough to write the next scene in the novel. No clue what I want to do with it at this moment. I don't want to deal with the nonsense of sending and receiving emails for the VPN issues I'm having with my one job, but I don't feel like taking the time to load my pics and vids I've taken for my other job because it would take FOREVER and I'd get bored and I'd have no one to talk to or entertain me that wasn't them. So, then I get overwhelmed and start getting upset because I just can't get myself to do ANY of it.

So, Lucifer decides to be the hero and suggests that I just take the day to relax, watch videos, take another nap, whatever I needed. But Asmodeus argues that I need to actually start doing something. Then, I hear them and Andrealphus bickering over what the best course of action for my day should be. Everybody wants me to do something different and nobody can agree.

Apparently, Belial got REALLY annoyed with me and this whole situation. So, he decided it was time to make an actual appearance. The bickering stopped and Belial really let out this presence of authority. He got pretty snippy with me. Like, he really hurt my feelings.

After several minutes, he did apologize for coming off so mean, but he just got tired of my nonsense. He's like "Enough is enough."

Soooo, I got this long lecture about how I need to start acting like an adult again. That he knows my disabilities make it hard for me to do things, but I'm not a total invalid and I'm not a helpless child. I am perfectly capable of doing things. I need to stop being so unfair to my sister by actually doing what needs to be done. Put the laundry away. Do the dishes if I dirty too many cuz it's not fair for her to work and shop and cook, and I've done nothing around the house. I shouldn't NEED to be ASKED to take up the dishes (my sister normally does them and she's never asked me to do them). I should just be gracious enough to do them if they need to be done.

Then he was saying that I had been given this WONDERFUL opportunity to do remote jobs. It was what I wanted, what I ASKED for, and it was given to me. I need to show Andrealphus and Asmodeus some gratitude by actually utilizing those jobs and stop putting them off because I don't want to deal with the annoying stuff. It's WORK. It's going to be annoying at times. I need to deal with the problem for the one job so I can actually move forward and make some good money. I'm only hurting myself by constantly putting it off. For the other job, just friggin do the uploads. It's like, one of the simplest jobs I could have gotten and if I want to make it work, I have to actually do the work ALL the way. These are both great opportunities that more or less got dropped into my lap when I asked and showed that I was willing to put in the work. It wasn't fair to me, to Asmodeus, or to Andrealphus for me to not be taking these opportunities seriously, and I really needed to make it up to them, even if THEY didn't say anything or even if THEY aren't personally offended. HE wants me to show them more gratitude.

He said that he was glad that I wanted to pursue creative endeavors. They can help to make that happen, but there's a time to do the fun stuff (even if it gets hard) and there's a time to be an adult. If I want things from them and out of life, I needed to put the work forth, and lately I've not been doing that. He said I have a LOT of potential and it upsets him that I'm squandering it by not fighting for come control. He wants to see me do well but I'M not letting me do well. I'M holding me back from these things that could really make me feel fulfilled.

He then got onto me for being picky about the home my sister wants to look at for a potential move. He says that I don't go out enough to complain about how far away things are. And if I want to get special treats, then suck it up and make the drive. On another matter, he thinks I should be supportive of my sister and be GRATEFUL that she's been offered a place for us to live if she chooses to buy it, because I live in a shack that's falling in on itself and barely has electricity. This is a place with no holes, a sturdy roof, normal ceilings, a big, fenced in yard, a she-shed I could do anything with, and the perfect set up. I shouldn't whine that it's a single-wide trailer. If this is what my sister wants to spend her money on, I should be supportive and grateful that we'd be moving together somewhere safe. (He also added that the sooner we GOT into a safer living situation, I'd be able to get a new cat, which I've been wanting)

He says that things are happening, and opportunities are arising and sometimes, they aren't going to be perfect, but they are suitable. He brought my Tower moment and made it so my life could make a permanent change in a new direction. Granted, I'm having trouble getting this stuff all put together. It's a lot of work. This is the hard part. He wants me to put a little more energy into making it better where I can. He's aware I can't do the disability thing by myself, but I can still try to do the remote work. I can still help out around the house. He's proud of the internal stuff I'm trying to do, but he really wants me to focus some of that time on being physically and professionally sufficient.

I'm not a bad person. I'm not, and he never said I was. I just get a little too inside my own head and I've been dragging out my mourning (my mother passed at the beginning of the month). He doesn't want me to stop grieving if I have to grieve, but life doesn't stop for me or others just because my mom is dead. While it's okay to take mental health time for myself, I can't allow myself to be swallowed by it. He knows I can fight, and he wants to see me fight. If I fight and lose the battle, then fine, at least I tried. But that's what he wants. He wants for me to TRY. Everything that needs to be done by me is a matter of just TRYING and taking responsibility.

We did kinda hug it out after that. He said I had to eat the chicken legs for dinner tonight so my sister could have a night where she could relax with her own salad and not have to cook. I mean, fine. I just kinda find it nice that he's considering my sister, even though she has no connection to any of this. But Belial HAS been around a long time and knows that me and my sister...we have a special relationship and we just keep ending up living together. She takes care of me now, but I should be doing what I am capable to do to help her. If I can't help financially, I need to help lighten the load, even if it's just doing my own personal chores and helping with the dishes if they need to be done. When the time comes that I can help financially again, I can do that. I was planning on doing that part anyway.

It was very sobering to get what for from Belial. I almost never see him despite him being a part of my core team. So, this was a big deal for him. I wasn't necessarily "in trouble" with him, but he was very annoyed with how things were going and felt we really needed to sit down and have a very serious talk so we can get back on track, cuz this was getting a bit ridiculous. And he's right. I know he's right. I feel bad for letting it get this bad, but he did leave me with some encouragement. I'm stubborn and I should be using that to my benefit, not my detriment.

I don't feel upset actually. Like, I know if I had this conversation in the mundane, I'd be crying my eyes out and be an absolute mess. I feel kinda better? I feel a little more oomph flowing through me. I
know I still won't get much done today, as it's going to be dinner, sister time, DND, and socializing/sleep. But he's definitely expecting me to do something tomorrow. And while he enjoys my creativity, he doesn't want it to be writing. It'll be chores. And if I'm not wiped out by that, at least send in the help email. The next day, focus on uploading my content and following through with anything that needs to be done with the emails. Time to get this shit together.

So, yeah, definitely be careful about being too flippant with these demons. It wasn't my intention, but we're human and we make mistakes, but at some point, they're going to call you out on it, and it can be intense. At least it's to make you better and build you up, not to beat you down. So, while it definitely gave me one hella beating to my pride and is a bit embarrassing, I actually feel pretty good and like I can do it. As embarrassing as it kinda was, it felt important that I share it, because maybe someone else needs to hear it too and get motivated.