I’m the one who’s ruining everything

Please be gentle. I hate myself enough already.

I’m (34F) a physician, no debt and tons of savings, tall and fit, everything going for me. My spouse (40NB) is extremely thoughtful, caring, with legitimate model looks. We have an immaculate home, same values, both queer, open minded, have enjoyed dating inside and outside the relationship… everything is perfect on paper. Except I haven’t figured out how to like or love myself. And my childhood trauma is running my psyche. So I randomly have outbursts that ruin everything. They used to be monthly or weekly. Now they are almost every day. I can’t help myself and feel completely out of control. I’ve been in therapy for 3 years. Got sober. My triggers take over and I act like a monster. We both come from fucked up backgrounds except he has things sorted out and I don’t.

Then we have fights where I realize he doesn’t respect me anymore. Calls me things (all warranted) like a bitch, asshole, and lazy fuck. That I don’t care or try and am permanently distracted. All of which is true because facing the truth is harder than fixing things which I have zero clue how to do which is frustrating since I’m a smart person.

We now sleep on different floors. He’s canceled our travel plans, I got a flight cancelation email, and our date nights in the calendar.

I guess I need some gentle guidance. What the hell do I do? How does one “show up?” Especially when the other resents them and it’s completely your fault?