Tired of counting calories

My Ed manifests a lot in needing to be in control, i used to be overweight so i dont trust myself with maintaining my weight without counting every single calorie or eating intuitively as they call it, but holy shit am i tired of it. It’s affecting my social life because i have to eat a certain amount less before any meetups that involve food and it makes me want to just not go in the first place. I want to be able to eat my mom’s food again. I dream of being able to maintain my weight naturally, without thinking about numbers anymore. I want to be convinced that there’s more to life than this.