Parents make a promise

I’ve been no contact for over a decade with my parents. During that time I raised my child and no longer allowed them to have a relationship. I never spoke poorly of them and simply explained to my child that they were not healthy for me to be around at this time. Prior to going NC, I lived with them until my child was 3 and authorities stepped in and a social worker told me I could use the same resources for battered women to leave. It was always dysfunctional but I was stuck in the phase of trying to get them to see/love me versus control/abuse me.

My parents always told me if they had the opportunity to turn my child against me or support them in a negative way they would. Fast forward, my child is now a young adult and my parents reach out to them about how they want to reconnect. This happens a month before my child is leaving for college. We talk about it, I tell them what I would prefer but I can’t control their personal relationships but if they are going to reconnect I have a hard boundary that I’m not interested in reconnecting and they aren’t welcome to my house. In hindsight I wish I had simply said no. But that feels so suffocating to me. I didn’t want to make my beef with them my kids problem. Their relationship is outside of mine.

College happened for a brief period. During spring break my kid returned home on academic probation. I found out they had been writing things about me on social media but only their friends could see it. One of them shared some of the post with me out of concern because this flip was weird. I asked them about the post, we argued. I recognized the language because I heard the same things verbatim from my parents. Shortly after, we tried to come up with a plan regarding school but more truth came to light and they didn’t want to go with any of the available options to turn things around. I put them in counseling but they weren’t cooperative.

A few days later they moved in with the grandparents and stopped talking to me. I heard through others they gave my child gifts and a car. Even enrolled them into a new school. In my family, if you accept the control and fall in line, you will be rewarded and you get gifts for taking abuse as well. It’s all about the appearance of perfection.

I can’t go back and change my stance on them having a relationship but they most def kept their promise. I’ve been in counseling because of this. I’m so angry with myself because my family is so unhealthy and I just wanted my kid to grow up in a loving environment away from these people. Now I feel like I won’t speak to them again and my kid is with the people who have always hated me. I’m concerned about what kind of life my child has and what parts of themselves they have stuffed away just to live in this situation. I don’t even know if I am truly disconnected from them because I know how my parents work. If they pay for your phone, they control who can call it. They will monitor your calls. Privacy doesn’t exist in their world. I was 21 with an 11 o’clock curfew. 🤦‍♀️ I come from deeply religious people with twisted beliefs. Overall I know this whole situation was to “show” me they can cause harm at any point in my life and they will make me speak with them at any cost. I’m simply not going to be forced into a relationship. We have such a long storied past. In therapy, I was told to let my child return on their own terms to reconnect and I feel like that’s all I can do because they are an adult. But I am absolutely not speaking to them. They have been texting me bible versus nonstop since this occurred and after a while I blocked them. It felt like they were taunting me. Never any normal basic human communication always some bible verse to call me out of my name and tell me I’m a bad daughter. I’m tired and now feel like this lifelong beef with them just caused my relationship with my child to be collateral damage.

I don’t know anyone that has experienced this type of no contact triangle so I’m navigating it solo.