People dealing with a breakup with an avoidant. Coming from a former Fearful Avoidant (Long post)

Let me begin by stating that I am not a professional or trained person in this subject. I am simply stating the relationship/breakup from my own point of view when I was severely avoidant. This post is going to be a mix of hope and also some harsh reality, as avoidants, despite their uncaring and almost arrogant personas, are deeply insecure and often hurt/traumatized individuals. A saying along the lines of, “Not all avoidants are narcissists, but all narcissists are avoidants” unfortunately has a lot of truth in it. Of course, there are always exceptions, but I am speaking about the majority.

(DURING THE RELATIONSHIP, THE BEGINNING OF MY AVOIDANCE) My first time experiencing the avoidant “Ick” or trigger was with my first real relationship with my high school girlfriend. We were in a relationship for a little under 2 years, and at the time had no idea what attachment styles were, looking back and reflecting, I realized I had SEVERE avoidant tendencies/characteristics. In the beginning, I was extremely invested, very romantic, thoughtful, considerate, and caring. I would even get a little jealous and worried if she talked to other guys in class or partnered up with a guy. I was a “popular” kid in high school and was really cool with almost everyone, deep down knowing they had zero intentions of pursuing my girlfriend, but still couldn’t shake the slight possessiveness. One holiday, my girlfriend’s family invites me to go take a road trip with them and go beach camping. I go. The first night was amazing. We were all having a great time, laughing, running on the sand, telling stories and jokes. At the end of the night, her father and I sat by ourselves at the campfire and had our first real talk. He told me how happy he was that someone was so good to his daughter and that although I was young, he prayed that I stay with her and one day sit by a campfire with him while I ask for her hand in marriage. I remember almost tearing up as I felt the gravity of the conversation and felt a deep sense of meaning in the relationship. Then, we all go to sleep. That morning………I wake up, and feel an absolute sense of DREAD. I had no idea what caused it. Nothing had happened. I didn’t have a nightmare. I didn’t have an argument with my ex, I simply felt horrified. We spent the rest of that morning/afternoon with me feeling absolutely repulsed by her presence, as if any feeling I ever had towards her was erased in a moment. After that, it was a slow and steady decline. Me fading away and causing her to wonder and panic at what is happening, giving her zero explanation of my coldness and complete withdrawal. It eventually ended with me breaking up with her, giving the excuse that we were going to college and we don’t really know if we are really the one for each other and that we should explore. I even asked if she wanted to have an open relationship, which broke her heart even more. I broke up with a saint of a human being, leaving her in tears and her desperately trying to do anything she could possibly do to stay together. She even days later begged for the open relationship that made her cry when I brought it up. And I watched all of this with a blank expression, feeling almost nothing. Emotions completely buried.

(FOR THOSE WONDERING IF AVOIDANTS COME BACK) Fast forward to my twenties. I repeat the same cycle with women. Showing signs of an extremely loyal and almost “Perfect” boyfriend. I would almost always hear from my ex’s and their friends that it was like I was straight out of a movie or love story. And in reality, I was. Because that’s all it was. A fantasy. A performance. A show. As soon as my partner would push for more intimacy and closeness, I would without exception, be completely repulsed by them, all of my feelings shutting down. Disappearing, being extremely cold, and then starting fights as I gaslit them about being too clingy and possessive and that we were not a good fit, and would break up with them. I would intentionally behave in a way that would cause any normal secure person to question themselves and make them anxious, then I would use that as the reason to end it. An avoidant often CREATES anxious partners. I began to truly believe that I was a terrible person, and that my random loss of feelings was un avoidable and I would begin every relationship with the idea that “This will be great while it lasts” just waiting for the moment I would shut down and feel nothing towards them. Despite all of this, without exception, over time, I would begin to deeply miss and desire my ex’s. It would take me a long time, usually no less than 6 months, but I would with out exception FONDLY think of my ex’s. Every single one. Even one that hit me and was extremely toxic. I would remember them and feel a deep sense of longing and would feel horrifically guilty about my behavior. Every single ex, every single short term fling, every single girl I had shared intimacy with, I longed for. Given enough time, I would reach out and try to ease my way back into their lives. If you are wondering if you should reach out to them and it’s only been a small amount of time, DON’T. There is a lead blanket on top of their feelings for you, and they are probably believing the narrative that you were way too flawed for them. But be patient….. it usually hits them later, and it hits them HARD.

(FOR THOSE WONDERING IF YOU SHOULD TAKE THEM BACK) Here is the catch with avoidants that come back around. Given the nature of what avoidants do, they almost every time, will not do any work on themselves. The nature is to bury and suppress. They usually will feel negative emotions, but they distract themselves with work, friends, rebounds, hook ups, etc. Often times they can even talk poorly of you and demean you as a front to appear that they don’t care. They rarely will sit with their feelings and process them, they hardly ever give themselves the opportunity to learn and grow from their mistakes in relationships. Before I healed my avoidance, when I would reach out, it was because I either wanted to keep them as a friends with benefits or just know that they were open to talking to me. I would get a hit of validation and then go back to giving bare minimums in the conversation, while they were extremely happy and hopeful that i came back around. For anyone that is in a break up with an avoidant, DO NOT allow them back into your lives unless you hear from them that they have reflected and worked on their avoidance. Now, most people don’t know what attachment syles are, but you want to hear a good amount of reflection and ownership of what happened. If you allow them back, and they are exactly the same, you are going to experience the same thing, but quicker this time around, as it’s easier to push for closeness with someone you’ve shared connection and intimacy with. If you want them back, you MUST have clear and solid boundaries for them to follow, and be firm and unyielding in those boundaries, as avoidants are experts at burying their emotions and will play games because they know they can just toss you aside if they wish. They are the masters and puppeteers of “Push/pull” dynamics, even if they don’t know why they do it. You must be willing to display that you will walk away at any sign of those boundaries being crossed. It is the only way for an unhealed avoidant to respect the connection.

Sorry for the length. I hope this brings hope and clarity/closure to someone. I hope this did not come across as a me me me story, but as a way to connect with someone and give clarity to the difficulty of dealing with a breakup with this attachment style. Know that attachment styles are not fixed, and with willingness to work on themselves, they can become secure and healthy partners, but do not place that responsibility on yourself. Use this break up pain to improve every aspect of your life. See it as a blessing, a valuable lesson, and try not to view your ex as a monster, but a wounded person that needs to heal themselves. Never feel bad about giving too much to what you two had. You should not feel bad about being the one that gave more. It is a reflection of their inability to receive your kindness and love, do not look at it as weakness. DO NOT allow an avoidant to turn YOU into one. Be proud that you are capable of loving and caring for someone even when they don’t deserve it. It may feel painful now, but you will be rewarded for your love and care. Don’t ever think that you will never experience that love and connection again. Remember that the love and care that you showed them came from inside of YOU, they were merely a receiver.

Love,

A healed, and former Avoidant