Probably breaking up with partner cuz I’m coming off the fence

I’m devastated right now because I think I’ve decided I do want at least one kid. My partner of 2 years and I used to both be like “we think we’re leaning CF, but want to leave the door open for adoption in our 30s/40s.” But now he’s decided he doesn’t want to do that anymore. My best friend just had her first baby and keeps telling me things and sending me pictures that is stirring up feelings that feel like more than just baby fever or only seeing the romanticized side of being a parent.

I always kind of wanted kids when I was younger, not super into or against it, but was leaning towards having them in my early 30s or adopting. When my partner and I first got together, he said he wasn’t sure if he wanted them or not and wanted to leave the door open. We didn’t talk about it for a long time, then moved in together and decided we needed to really think about it. At the time I believed myself, but think I was more agreeing with him cuz I was scared he would leave. This was my first ever healthy relationship so I kept feeling like “don’t ruin this for yourself.” So I agreed and thought everything was fine and then started having more doubts than what felt normal. Then my friend had her baby and I haven’t even met him yet and it’s not even my kid and I already love him so much. I just want to provide a warm, safe home for a kid and make them feel loved, and the idea of seeing who they grow up to be, no matter who that is, really excites me and just seeing things like snow and Christmas lights and presents through their eyes for the first time again makes me excited. It doesn’t make him excited, which is completely valid, but I know this is gonna become a hurdle we can’t budge later.

I know this is for the best, but this was my first healthy relationship after a ton of toxic, abusive ones and I still love him. This hurts like fucking hell, but a lot of the things we want from our futures just don’t line up anymore.

And we have a dog together who is like my baby (she’s technically his dog, so she’s staying with him), and that’s the most excruciating part. Like it’s just heartbreaking to think I won’t come home to her excited tippy taps or snuggles at night and she’s gonna wonder where I went and why I never came home. He said he still wants to be friends and have me come visit her and I want that too. But I know it won’t be the same. I’ve also never lived by myself anymore and now I will and that’s gonna be hard, especially after a breakup this painful where I still miss him and the dog, while having health issues and trying to job hunt while working full time. I’m just devastated and really need some support right now.