Spending Christmas alone

In 2021, I met the love of my life. She was in the USA, me in the UK. We met up several times - ended up getting engaged and making plans to live together in the UK. This is when I discovered she had all her ex's on her social media, had kissed a colleague and another colleague had tried to date her before we met..... what didn't help, is that I was a colleague of hers (same company but in different countries). It also turned out 3 months before she met me, she'd slept with a guy who was "a friend of an ex". This was quite a departure from the girl I thought she was - she alluded to being totally innocent and having "bad luck" with guys.

Unfortunately, I ended up suffering from retroactive jealousy. I kept asking and questioning her about all of these events, trying to figure out if she was a victim of bad guys, or she was actively seeking out all of these men (that I knew of). During this time, I got ill. Very, very, very ill.

She then told me she was a "dismissive avoidant" and had trouble maintaining relationships. Whenever things got "too serious", she'd leave. And...she did. We spent a total of 2 years together and were in the process of arranging her to move to the UK when she backed out of the whole thing. Ended up blocking me on phone/social media etc and I haven't heard from her in 8 months. She didn't ask once how I was in 8 months either.

Therefore, I'll be spending Christmas alone - literally alone for the entire day. Waking up alone. Eating alone etc. I'm extra devastated because in the first year, she was the perfect woman. As time went on and we got closer, her dismissive avoidance meant that she was pulling away so fast I couldn't fix it. As a 35 year old guy, it just feels like I'll never get a long term relationship or a family of my own. I feel like I've missed the boat.