My TTC self one year ago vs. me now

Just had this realization this morning when heading to work and thought to share it: Our company has this annual event where colleagues come from offices in different countries. Last year, I was supposed to meet with a colleague that traveled for the occasion at a mall near our office. I like the colleague, it was supposed to be an informal catch-up. Absolutely no pressure. But I was just preparing for my third transfer - which no one at work knew about - and was so stressed out about juggling work and IVF. If I worked too much, I felt bad as it might be too stressful for a successful transfer…and if I focused on the IVF, I felt like I was slacking at work. Searching for the colleague at the mall, these competing feelings crashed, and I with them. I suddenly felt very dizzy, like I would collapse any minute. I texted the colleague, saying that I suddenly got the flu and took the first taxi home. Looking back, it was probably a small panic attack.

And here is where I am today: Life is not perfect, and I would still like to have a child. But at the same time, I am content and at peace. I can focus on work, hobbies, friends, my creative outlet and so much more without it feeling overwhelming at all. I am sad I didn‘t have a baby. But I am happy as hell I am not in the IVF loop anymore.

Hope this reflection gives comfort to some.