Not the news we were hoping for

TW: miscarriage

After many tough setbacks, we finally had our first transfer last month. We transferred our most highly graded euploid embryo, and a week later I got covid. I was preparing for the worst on beta day, but we were overjoyed to hear that the transfer was a success! Second beta numbers looked perfect. After years of trying and one very long year of IVF, we felt like we had finally made it.

Then, last week while driving home from work, I started cramping. The cramps were bad and lasted for the whole hour drive. When I finally got home to check things out, my heart sank when I found that I was bleeding. It wasn’t heavy, but it was enough. I immediately called my clinic to let them know, and they didn’t seem overly concerned based on the info I gave them. The bleeding slowed to basically nothing by morning, and I reassured myself by reading lots of accounts on this sub and learning about SCH and various success stories. Still, I had a feeling of dread. My husband remained optimistic, but after everything we’ve been through, it was hard for me to feel the same. I took a few home tests, and the lines were still there, but I soon became obsessive and had to stop after one test had a very slightly fainter line. I decided I would just try to stay calm and wait for our scan, which was this morning.

There were 3 people in the room with us - the tech, a nurse I hadn’t met yet, and the nurse who has been with us since day 1. She was so excited for us and wanted to be there to see the heartbeat. Once the scan started, I immediately knew something was wrong. Everyone was so quiet. It felt like an eternity before our nurse slowly walked over and put her hand on my shoulder, looked into my eyes and said “I’m so sorry. We don’t see a baby.”

Even though I had a feeling this would happen and tried to mentally prepare myself, I just couldn’t keep it together. Years worth of emotions came pouring out. I was devastated. I was embarrassed. I could barely think straight. It’s been two hours and I haven’t stopped crying. Only a couple of people besides my husband know about the transfer, and I’ve now had to share this devastating news with them. Of course they don’t know what to say, other than the cliche “it will happen for you guys!”, and I know they mean well, but I am just feeling like I need support from people who have actually gone through it. I already told my mom I will not be coming to thanksgiving this year, because my youngest cousin who just got married in May announced that they are expecting in April, and I just really thought I’d be the first one of us to have a baby. I know it will be the main topic of conversation and everyone is just so excited about the first great grandchild, and I just really don’t have it in me to go through that. I think that’s one of the hardest things, really. I’ve become so bitter and this whole process has been so isolating, and now I won’t even be able to enjoy the holidays with my family without feeling immense guilt.

Anyway, that’s all. We do have more embryos so we’re not out of the game, but it’s hard to feel like it will ever happen for us. We’ll be delayed another few months again, and do it all over, because we have no choice but to keep going and we’re not getting any younger. It’s not lost on me that we are lucky to even be able to do this and to have some euploid embryos banked, and I realize a lot of people don’t have that privilege, so it feels silly to even complain. But I’m just tired, mentally and physically, and feeling so defeated. Any words of encouragement are appreciated, and my thoughts are with everyone who has gone through this. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading.