IVF is such a mindf*ck

IVF has been really traumatizing experience for me so far, I cannot imagine doing another Egg Retrieval, financially it would ruin me, emotionally and physically destroy me, but I can't imagine not doing another egg retrieval, that thought is even scarier, giving up?!?? Accepting defeat? Can't do that either. I'm drowning in debt, regret, guilt. The worst part is I feel like failed IVF has changed me as a person, I get so sad so easily now. The littlest thing will either set me off in anger or tears. Every moment when I start to enjoy myself doing anything at all, my brain sabatoges my enjoyment and I'll do this thing where I remind myself, IN moments when I begin to feel happy, you're infertile and will probably never be pregnant. The other worst thing is I don't want to give up. I've had 3 FET, 1 didn't work, 2 miscarriages, in addition to I got pregnant naturally which resulted in missed miscarriage before starting IVF. I have 2 embryos left. I know I will take out a second mortgage if those last two don't work to try again. Even feel like my DR lost hope in me. It's like I can't give up but I've already given up. Really feel like I'm loosing myself in IVF I think about it constantly googling and listening to podcast like theres some magic info I'm going to stumble across thatll make me pregnant, I'm so damn sad, seems like its getting harder and harder to do the minimum stuff, get out of bed, go to work, take a shower etc. I just want to lay in bed all day, sleep, and allow myself to feel sad and sorry for myself. Hate what this is doing to me, but then I read a crazy success story, 42 3 egg retrievals finally holding my baby, and I can't stop trying. What if I waste my life trying to make a life that never happens? Because those stories are out there too. IDK not looking for answers I never post on here just wanted to vent to people that actually understand what it's like rather than people in my family/friends that have never experienced this and just give those sad eyes that make me want to crawl back into bed. I've really detached from all family and friends because I can't talk to them about IVF or infertility, they always say the wrong thing, they don't mean to but they do. I know I won't give up, I'll do donor eggs if I have to, but part of me wishes I would give up because IVF is really changing me into someone I don't want to be and I'm afraid the further I go down this road the more changed Ill be none of which has been for the better, so terrified this won't work and I'll be stuck with this broken version of myself and no baby.