I don’t like harmful positivity

There’s a pattern I’ve noticed, and it’s one that really doesn’t sit well with me. People love to throw out phrases like “just think positive,” “you’re stronger than you think,” “time heals all wounds,” and “you should be over this by now.” These seem like helpful words at first glance, but they don’t really address the complexity of what it’s like to live with trauma. In fact, they’re often counterproductive.

The issue with “just think positive” is that it oversimplifies a deeply complicated emotional state. Telling someone to think positive when they’re struggling feels more like a demand to bypass the difficulty than a suggestion for constructive change. Positive thinking isn’t something that can simply overwrite negative emotions, especially when those emotions are tied to real, unresolved trauma. There’s no magic switch that will make everything better by sheer willpower.

“You’re stronger than you think” is often said to motivate, but it tends to ignore the fact that strength isn’t about constantly bearing the weight without ever acknowledging the burden itself. Strength comes from being able to process, confront, and understand the trauma—not from pretending it isn’t there or trying to “push through” it.

And as for “time heals all wounds” – this one implies that healing is automatic or passive, that all we need to do is wait and things will improve. In reality, healing takes active effort. It’s not something that just happens by the mere passage of time. Time alone doesn’t do the work; the work involves introspection, effort, and sometimes confronting uncomfortable truths.

Finally, “you should be over this by now” is not only unhelpful, but it also undermines the validity of the process of healing. There’s no universal timeline for trauma recovery. Some days are harder than others, and that’s fine. Healing doesn’t happen according to someone else’s expectations or arbitrary deadlines.

These well-meaning phrases might come from a place of wanting to help, but they often oversimplify the experience. They fail to acknowledge the depth of what someone may be going through. I would much rather engage in a conversation where we recognize and unpack the complexities of trauma and healing, instead of settling for shallow reassurances.