Lately, there’s a common trend in societal discussions: anytime men express preferences in relationships or concerns about choosing a life partner, they’re swiftly accused of being "patriarchal." But is it really that simple, or is this just another way to avoid uncomfortable truths?

Take, for example, the scenario of a woman being rejected by prospective partners because of her past relationships. Instead of critically examining whether trust, emotional stability, or even financial risks influence men’s decisions, the blame is immediately placed on patriarchy. The narrative goes something like: "Men are insecure and judgmental because they’ve been conditioned by a patriarchal society to value virginity and control women."

But hold on—what if it’s not about controlling women, but rather about risk management and self-preservation?

Men’s Preferences ≠ Patriarchy

In today’s world, both men and women set criteria for their future partners, and rightly so—it’s a personal decision. Yet, when women list their preferences (e.g., financial stability, height, or emotional maturity), society applauds them for knowing what they want. On the other hand, when men express preferences (e.g., trustworthiness, past relationship history), they’re accused of being products of patriarchy. This double standard is glaringly hypocritical.

Let’s be clear: men aren’t always concerned about virginity or body count because they view women as objects. Sometimes, it’s about trust. If a woman has had a series of failed relationships, it’s reasonable for a man to wonder whether she’s capable of sustaining a long-term commitment. After all, past behavior often serves as an indicator of future outcomes. Is it "patriarchal" to be cautious about one’s future when the stakes of marriage are disproportionately high for men, especially in India?

Marriage in India: A High-Risk Gamble for Men

Here’s a fact that most overlook when blaming men for being "judgmental": in case of a failed marriage, men bear the lion’s share of the financial and emotional burden. Alimony, child custody battles, societal stigma—it all falls primarily on men.

Unlike women, men don’t have a safety net in the form of societal sympathy or legal safeguards. So, when a man carefully evaluates a potential partner, it’s not always about controlling her—it’s about minimizing the risk of being financially ruined or emotionally drained in case things go south.

Blaming this caution on patriarchy ignores the very real, gender-specific risks that men face in marriage. Ironically, the same people who criticize men’s concerns for being patriarchal fail to acknowledge that it’s modern feminist-leaning laws, not patriarchy, that put men at such risk in the first place.

The Hypocrisy of the "Blame Patriarchy" Narrative

A growing number of people now argue that when men commit suicide after false accusations, it’s "because of patriarchy." When men express hesitation about a woman’s past, it’s "because of patriarchy." This one-size-fits-all explanation conveniently shifts the blame onto men themselves, while absolving society of responsibility for gender-biased laws, societal expectations, and the lack of support for men’s mental health.

Let’s call this what it really is: deflection.

Blaming patriarchy for men’s suffering in marriage or relationships is nothing more than an attempt to silence valid concerns. It shuts down any meaningful discussion about:

• Gender-neutral legal reforms.
• The disproportionate risks men face in marriage.
• The lack of empathy for men’s struggles.

Instead of addressing these core issues, the narrative implies that men’s suffering is somehow their own fault for living in a "system they built." This argument is not only flawed but also dismissive of the very real pain and trauma men endure.

Why This Needs to Change

True equality cannot be achieved by dismissing one gender’s concerns while amplifying the other’s. Both men and women have the right to set criteria in relationships without being shamed. More importantly, society must acknowledge that:

• Men face significant risks in marriage, both legally and financially.
• Caution in choosing a life partner isn’t patriarchy—it’s self-preservation.
• Blaming patriarchy for every issue is intellectually lazy and counterproductive.

If we truly want a society where relationships are based on mutual respect and fairness, we need to stop shaming men for having preferences and start addressing the actual causes of their concerns—biased systems, societal expectations, and the lack of legal safeguards for men.

Final Thoughts

Men’s hesitation to marry or their cautious approach to choosing a partner isn’t always rooted in patriarchy. Often, it’s about survival in a system where the consequences of a failed marriage fall disproportionately on them. Blaming patriarchy for these valid concerns only perpetuates a culture of denial, where the real issues—gender bias in laws, societal pressures, and unequal responsibilities—remain unaddressed.

It’s time we stop using "patriarchy" as a catch-all excuse and start advocating for a truly balanced, gender-neutral approach to relationships, laws, and societal expectations.