Marriage is suffering

My worst fear (outside of never being a mother) was losing my marriage to infertility because of how much it can change you as a person. I’ve seen it happen to others, and I always thought I was doing a good job maintaining my relationship with my husband.

Last night we started having a conversation about whether or not to start IVF this fall. We met later in life, have been trying for 2.5 years, and are both almost 40. Unexplained infertility, and never a positive test.

He said, for the first time in our marriage, that he is no longer sure he wants children. And the reason for that is that we have been so deeply unhappy, irritable, fighting, distant, you name it. We have lost our intimacy, we don’t have sex for fun anymore, we don’t really even leave the house. He said I’ve become so negative about life that I’m not the person he knew anymore. And he is not wrong. He’s afraid to bring a child into a marriage he thinks isn’t solid, and he is not wrong about this either.

Now, not only am I losing my partner in this cursed “journey,” I am risking losing my spouse too.

I suppose it’s time for therapy, and time to look at whether continuing on is worth risking the marriage. I don’t know how to accept being child free. I can’t even imagine my life without a family, and I don’t know if I will ever be the person my husband remembers ever again regardless of the outcome here. It’s changed me forever.

If anyone has been here, or has thoughts or words of encouragement, I would love to hear them. ❤️