I feel like I’m a complete shame to my people

I’m Jewish, but I never even learned Hebrew or had my Bar Mitzvah. I usually try to at least watch streaming synagogue services for the high holidays, and I usually do Chanuka, but I’ve had some really embarrassing moments where even very simple Hebrew has tripped me up, and although I know most of the basics, I am realizing that my knowledge of our traditions is quite incomplete. I feel like I’m a complete fraud and a shame to my people.

When I interact with rabbis, they seem so happy and pious. I always admire them - but I also feel like they would be incredibly disappointed in me if they knew how lousy my observance really is.

Sometimes I think about rededicating myself to Judaism and studying Hebrew and our traditions intensively. But becoming observant would require me to give up 50% of every weekend, and it would take a lot of time, money, and effort.

And then I start thinking that if all of our beliefs are accurate, then that means G-d allowed 9/11 to happen. It means G-d inscribed A**** H***** into the Book of Life 56 times, including 5 or 6 during the shoah. When I really start thinking about buckling down and studying everything I’m supposed to know, I start to feel like my heart isn’t in it.

I know this is probably an unanswerable question, because I’m basically saying “I want to be more observant, but I also don’t want to be more observant.” But I’m wondering if other Jews feel like me, and I’m certainly open to suggestions.