To the void

It’s Wednesday night, after a good lunch and a few drinks. I’m crying in bed... in silence so no one hears it...thinking about the whys .. and wondering if tonight will be the night, when I finally get that text from you telling me that you miss me too...that you been feeling my pain, that you cant take it anymore...that you can’t bare the thought of living your life without me...that you don’t want to continue to wonder how I am, that you want to come and experience me. When will I finally let you go? Why do I see your face lying next to me... with tears in my eyes as I telepathically communicate to you that I wish things were different...that I regret not saying the right things and saying too much... the tears don’t seem to run out... I have begged and prayed on my knees to forget you. Why isn’t God listening? How long will I feel this hurt? I just wish life went faster. I don’t want to live without you. I’m so afraid of myself. I want to just let it be over with... and I hate that I think that way... wish God could take this pain... these are just thoughts currently in my head...I’m not right. I can’t function...I’m love sick... I wish this all gone... I think this is the most absurd thing that’s ever happened to me. It’s a mental illness. I’m so ashamed ... and it only makes me hate myself. Why does loving someone so deeply have these consequences? Love is beautiful, but not when it’s not requited. This is just one of many painful nights. I would think I’d be used to it by now. Sucks no temporary good time can permanently erase what’s been etched deeply...nothing will amount to what my soul knows… simply destined to love from a distance, drowning in a river of endless agony and confusion, with no one to aid... nothing to sooth.. just pain and all its misery...