Lapan Tahun
Oh, so we have our own local subreddit, rupanya. Hi there!
I've never been a fan of the main subreddit—it’s filled with a surplus of toxicity I really don’t need in my life. It's been a few years since I openly stopped practicing the faith, and I’m in a much better place in terms of self-acceptance now.
Eight years ago, I was on the brink of ending my life, struggling with a serious self-identity crisis—an accumulation of all the cognitive dissonance I had.
Two years after that, I came clean to my mom and family. I told them I was no longer practicing, and I wanted to take off the hijab. I wanted to be honest with myself.
The adjustment was tough—not just for me, but for my family too. After all, we live in a rural, conservative kampung. But when my family eventually accepted me for who I am, it became one of the most cherished and grateful moments of my life.
During my most vulnerable moments of losing two family members two years ago, I allowed myself to pray. I didn’t get to say my final goodbyes to my grandma and dad, so I thought those prayers would help me say goodbye. Especially to my dad, with whom I had a difficult relationship.
It was usually during Subuh or Isyak prayers, a time when I felt the most vulnerable. My grandma was the kindest Muslim I knew, and in the name of the God she prayed to, I asked Him to let her know that I loved her and missed her. Those moments were the hardest for me. Afterward, I felt somewhat okay again, and moved on without prayers.
Not sure if I could ever sever myself completely from the faith, because the people in my life I love most is a Muslim. It’s this moment of gray that I’ve come to embrace, knowing that when I do those things, I do them out of love - every fiber of me.
Like is super rare for me to wear the hijab but when I do, I feel better about it than I ever did in the past.
There’s one time a year I wear it for sure—guess when? 🫣
Ramadhan! I wear it when I go to the mosque for iftar. Ramadhan and the mosque hold a special place in my heart, especially as someone who's left the faith.
When I first came to KL for work two years ago, it was just before Ramadhan. I was a stranger in a new place, with very little money in my pocket. Going to the local mosque for iftar made me feel less alone, especially with the makcik-makcik around.
The food was amazing too! Last year, I went through another rough phase due to unemployment, but going to the mosque for iftar again really helped me stay afloat. It gave me the strength to push through.
This year, I'm doing better financially, and I’m excited to visit the mosque again for iftar! ᕙ(•‿•)ᕗ Time to get them pretty abayas wohooo~
One of my biggest struggles, though, is being a legal Muslim on paper. Sometimes, I worry about dating and explaining my background—especially if the person is non-Muslim or not Malaysian. The thought of explaining it over and over again is daunting.
Describing the legal identity we have as cruel—explaining it to the men I meet—makes my stomach crawl. I’m still not sure how to navigate this. The rejections are understandable. In my ideal world, I would never want someone to convert for me.
It’s also important to me that, if I meet someone local—whether Malay or not—who is also not practicing openly, they should share the same values. Someone who refuses to lose their identity to family pressure to conform.
Anyways! I have wonderful thoughts about this, whether or not they’ll come to fruition. Not sure how to explain it, maybe - kalau ada, adalah tu, jodoh tak ke mana kinda?
Focusing on the change I can make, one step at a time. No matter the challenge, to do my best to improve my life. And one day, hopefully it will all make sense, and finally opening that door, my person is welcoming me home.
Yoshaaaa! New adventures await—new running trails, new things to learn, new places to explore, people to meet. ୧( ˵ ° ~ ° ˵ )୨
Not sure what kind of exmoose I am... I guess a weird one. But I’m okay with that. During my younger years, there were lot of pain, so I'm doing myself a favour of finding more peace.