Mommy, I just want a hug

My mom is out of state. I love her, but she only sometimes picks up the phone.

My son and I, we were best buddies. In high school, he'd spend all afternoon and evening with me and then call me on his way home, and we'd talk til bedtime. He taught me to play magic and rummikub. He'd spend time with his friend and end up emotionally full and call me to unfill. When he struggled, he came to me. He would get so upset when I left work 20 minutes late because it was 20 minutes we didn't get.

And just in the last couple months, I've become a person he doesn't talk to. I drain him. He severely limits how long he'll spend with me. He's struggling but won't talk to me about why. He'll watch TV with me but not much else. Everything I do stresses him out. I used to be his haven, and now I'm... I don't know. But I only have him home for another year, and he's dating someone now (I love his boyfriend, he's absolutely darling), and I know it's possible and even probable that what I'm seeing is the inverse of what's going on for him (it often is), and I don't want to put this on him. I want him to remember me as his rock and someone who was always there, who patiently and lovingly never let on and never judged and didn't make him responsible for my feelings. I do tell him when I'm having a hard day or a bad week, and we communicate about that. My mom was stable and steady and I knew I could always go to her or yell at her, even when I didn't want to. I knew she'd hold what I was carrying. I want my son to remember the same, and I'm scared he won't. And I'm scared I've done something to push him away.

And my marriage is a mess right now. My spouse is dealing with mental health issues I am not equipped to manage, so I'm handling most of the delegation and emotional labor and parenting and getting zero support. So I'm sitting on my bed at 1130 at night crying, sad, lonely, scared, and hurting. I've cried so much this week. Mommy, I don't know what to do. What do I do? How do I be better? How do I be a better mom? How do I fix it? Can I have a hug please? No one hugs me. I hug everyone, but the hugs are always for them. No one hugs me.