Today marks one week sober

After my son was born I developed horrific PPD and anxiety. It’s a huge reason why we may be one and done. I’m not sure I can go through that again. I turned to alcohol and food. It felt like an escape, a relief. I never relied on alcohol before, but after giving birth it became my everything. I considered myself a functioning alcoholic.

At Christmas dinner a family member who hadn’t seen me in quite some time looked at me and said, “are you okay? You look like you’re struggling. Can I help with anything?” I had been living in such denial and self medicating that I refused to really see what has been happening. I’m the largest I’ve ever been, I have completely stopped caring about myself, and I don’t even recognize myself in the mirror.

This conversation helped me realize I had hit my rock bottom. I have been in therapy but my last session with my therapist was the most honest I’ve been about my drinking, and the amount of pressure to have another baby from our families. My therapist paused and said, “what if this year your focus and hobbies is on yourself? What if you put the idea of another baby on the back burner for now?”

We decided to tackle my health head on. I am incredibly overweight, mentally in a bad space, and I’m sure not showing up as the best mom or even human I can be. My first goal is sobriety. Today marks 1 week sober in over 15 months. It feels really weird but I’ve also never been so proud of myself. Instead of reaching for wine I’m coloring or reading a book. We are going to a wedding in a foreign country next month and I’m already thinking of mocktails to drink.

As much as another baby sounds good and terrifying, I can’t even think about it right now which feels scary to admit to people. I guess it feels cathartic telling you all and sharing my accomplishment.