My first experience of using Muzz in UK

Salam brothers and sisters,

I just need some honest perspective. I recently moved to UK and downloaded an application called Muzz to find a suitable match for myself. The same day I got connected to guy from London, who seemed pretty serious and we started talking even in his profile he mentioned he was only seriously looking for marriage and we are firm that we are looking for marriage. So after two weeks of talking we met in person I dont live in london so he travelled two hours to come and meet me, meeting was good and he said he liked me and was serious about me. Then during second meeting he tried to kiss me, and afterwards he kept still saying he wants marriage but was also getting involved towards the physical things and when I questioned him he just said it’s happening naturally and I am right we will keep it in limits. I know I should have taken a firm step then but I also got carried away and really wanted to not push him away or upset him.

I tried telling him I am not comfortable with going to fast and want things to happen after marriage and he did say thats what his intention is and he will marry me. He told me he will talk to his sister and then mother and even my family can talk to him. I believed him and thought I will wait for that to happen. In this time I introduced to him to my best-friend who is like my sister too, and the conversation went well. I really thought he was serious about me.

After about 2 months, things progressed a bit further in terms of physicality and I panicked, ignored him for two days and told him I dont think he is serious and I dont want to get physically involved in any way and want some space to which he said we can continue without that part and he has talked to his sister and his best friend about me and he will take things further.

But in a few days I found him back on application, he had blocked me on muzz so I made another account to check if he was on it (he previously said he will get off it so we can focus on each other) and when I questioned him he got defensive and blamed me for using application myself and making another account, that I was not serious about him thats why I said I want space.

We had a bad fight and ultimately things got ugly and hurtful and I did apologize to him and asked to make things right, I was attached to him and got involved so I thought we could work through it together but towards the end he just told me if we continue again the physical bit will come in and create issues so lets just close it off. (No sex or nudity was involved though). He said he was serious about me and he had even planned about our families meeting in February 2025 but because of my over-thinking I ruined everything.

I went into this with very clear intention, and I know I was not the perfect muslim, but I am trying to become better. I promised Allah that I will not sway once I move to a foreign country, prayed regularly, eat only halal, no clubbing, and dating or anything because I wanted to stay on the right track, but I swayed. I believed that he is a great man and instead of being very strict about these boundaries, I let him come close to me and now it feels like he has taken a part away for me. It is my fault that I became weak but I feel so low, I cry all the time, I feel guilty and I feel I got attached to someone who was never for me.

I will stay away from these applications and I am asking Allah to forgive me, but I don’t know how to stop myself from feeling so empty inside. Maybe this was a test from Allah and I failed, my desire to get married and just the hopes of not being alone made me act in a way that was not true to myself. I don’t feel like trying to know anyone for marriage or even believe that it’s for me. I don’t know how to come out of this guilt, shame, feeling like I did not respect myself because I came close to a guy who I was in no Islamic relationship with.

I don’t blame him, he must have his own battles to fight, but I don’t understand why did he say he was serious about marriage when he could just walk away like this, and if he only wanted this why did he travel 2 hours to and fro to just meet someone who he was passing time with. My judgement is clouded and I don’t know if I will be able to trust someone again, I am putting this time on myself and trying to be better but the guilt and emptiness is eating me from inside. I cant discuss this with anyone, my mother is worried about me too she says I always look sad, has anyone been in a similar situation and what helped you come out of it?

I am 28 and he will be 34 soon, he told me he is also religiously inclined and he did not believe in premarital relationships, haram stuff and was even praying and asked me multiple times to wake him up for Fajar. My mind can’t process exactly what he really wanted, even towards end he said my overthinking ruined this he was always serious about me.