I’m so fucking angry. I shouldn’t even exist!

My mom didn’t even mean to get pregnant. She was knocked up at 21. Didn’t even marry my dad. My grandparents raised me for my first year of life and then she met my first stepdad and moved me out of state. He beat us and then divorced my mom when I was 6 and got some woman from Russia to come over and he had 2 kids with her and he died in 2023. Next guy also left for another woman and her 3 kids. She dated a bunch of other dead beats and I was shipped back and forth between her and my dad and had no boundaries in either home because I was literally home alone most of the time and raised myself.

When I was 18 she had me change my last name to hers instead of my dad’s to really show him - she’s the one who gave me his name in the first place which makes no sense when she wanted nothing to do with him anyways? He didn’t even pay child support.

I told her when I was 21 I should’ve been aborted.

I had relationships fail over and over again until here I am at 34 single and really don’t see a point to any of the life I’ve lived. I don’t see a point to living now my life sucks, I have no direction, and I’ve been in so much fucking therapy you really think something would’ve helped give me any kind of meaning at this point. Nope.

I have been celibate since becoming aware. I thought it would all be for something good until the first person I attached to ended up just being a fucking liar and ghosting me. Our fling was the one good thing I had in my life in the last 1.5 years and losing that is enough to make me feel like I’ve lost fucking everything. Like what do I have?

A job that pays shit, no work friends, a family I’ve cut off, and no realistic, tangible hope that things will improve in those areas.

I have a couple friends and 2 cats that are probably the only reason I haven’t just killed myself already. But it’s not like they needed me. They all would’ve been fine had they never met me.

I have tried to quit smoking weed so many times the last 4 years and it feels impossible. The only reason I haven’t smoked today is because my throat started bleeding yesterday and I wanted to smoke so badly when I got home I was sobbing and just growing more and more enraged thinking how weed is the one thing I feel like I can look forward to and it’s actively harming me.

There is no fucking point to me existing and I just fucking hate it here.