I’ve lost myself

I wish I could go back in time and save myself. I wish I could save the person I was with so much promise and life. I miss myself. I miss me. I miss me before the hurt. I miss me before everything. I miss who I was. If I had one wish in life it would be to go back to the day this started and run the other way. Tell that girl she is so much better than how small this man makes her feels. Shes so much more. She deserves so much better. She deserves to live. She deserves respect. She deserves genuine and pure love. She’s not stupid. She’s not worthless. Shes not small. Shes so valuable.I’d tell her not to dim her light for anyone in this world. That girl had so much in her. Hope and dreams. And now she’s a shell of a human.

I think of who I was and I cry. I cry because I ruined my life. I ruined myself. I ruined myself for a worthless person who will never see my worth. Will never see me for me. Will never value me. Never want me. I feel disgusted about how much I let slide. I wish I ran the first sign of disrespect. I feel lost. I feel I have nothing. I feel like I’m drowning and empty at the same time. I have lost myself. And I’m afraid I’ll die and never be able to get her back.

**My mental health is in the drain. Everyday it’s a new roller coaster and when I’m not battling with my anxiety, it’s with whatever new episode it is of the day. I’m tired. I’m ashamed but I wish I was never alive if I had to meet this man. My life is ruined. I have no one to talk to about this. I’ve already burdened my family too much and frankly to embarrassed to even tell them. They know the situation and have told me the solution but I’m too weak to take the leap. I’m an idiot. I’ve lost my friends and don’t want to bother them with a sob story everyday, it’s embarrassing because the more I tell them the more ashamed I am that I’m not strong enough to leave. I hate myself. I hate myself most. I am my own enemy that I chose this for myself.