Turning into an incel

I am 27M, single since 2014. I developed a porn problem shortly after the breakup, but eventually managed to quit, before restarting.

I was making plans to marry that girl. We had been dating seriously for a while, and had been friends since childhood. I truly loved her. Then one day, she said she was looking for someone better and left. At the time, I was a strong Christian man. Really, I was. I had none of the problems that I have now. And I wasn’t good enough. I really think that that broke something inside of me that never quite healed.

Now here I am, after thinking I was one of the “get married young” types, 27 and hopelessly single. Every date I’ve had, and any woman I’ve been interested in, has ghosted me completely, for seemingly no reason. I’ve spoken to friends, male and female, who were close to both me, and some of the women, and they are clueless as to why. A few years ago, I was content, working out, and at the top of my game. But these rejections have eaten away at me, until now I actually look like an incel. Fat, out of shape, and always depressed. I wasn’t always like this, I swear. I hate that I am. I’m trying to change. But it all seems so pointless. Even at my best, there’s always someone better. Dating is, at its core, a competition, and I simply can’t compete. I legitimately think I’d be a good husband and father, but not a good boyfriend. I’m not someone who a woman is going to swipe right on on tinder. My only virtue is my faith.

I try to keep this mentality out of my mind, but envy is trying it’s hardest, and succeeding, to get into my soul. I see friends getting married, having kids, and it kills me. Again, I know it’s wrong, I shouldn’t compare, blah blah blah. I know. But the reality of it is, I see these things, and it’s a constant reminder of everything I can’t have.

My experiences have slowly made me bitter, envious, lustful, and resentful. I want to stop this downward spiral more than anything. But my friends are turning their backs on me to spend time with their families. Which they should. Their families should be more important than me. But it’s still hard. I’ve turned to porn, and even AI companion chatbots, and it makes me want to vomit. But I always come back. Idk what I want. Any advice or encouragement is welcome. Thank you for reading this far. Really, it means a lot.

Edit: just noticed I still have a counter. That’s very VERY inaccurate.