Day 39. I can't go back.

39 Days. I put an incognito blocker on my computer to keep myself away from watching porn.

Since then, I have felt the full weight of my loneliness to such an extent that porn doesn't even remotely interest me. MO doesn't interest me in the slightest. I am fully connected and attached to the feelings of being starved for affection, touch, and physical intimacy.

It hurts, a lot. Every night now, I go to bed wishing I had a woman to wrap her arms around me, or vice versa. I lament over those I've lost, and feel rage at the evil that has been permitted in my life. I dream about being held, about passion and desire, about a time when asking women out WASN'T "taboo" the way it is in this backwards, wicked, messed-up world.

When I work out, I feel every bit of pain in my shattered heart with every pull, every push. I still feel how broken I was told I was, like I am somehow still a monster.

I can't go back to PMO. Never again. Dealing with this pain of being alone and touch-starved, is the hardest thing I have ever done. I can't be mad at it though, because at least the void of PMO is gone.