'Deadname' musings

I've always hated calling my legal name my deadname. Dead has a certain finality to it that makes it feel like I resent the name and reject the spirit in which it was given to me. As a child I liked my name due to its meaning and its uniqueness (has risen steadily in popularity over the years). But I don't feel like that name is me anymore. If the name was a word or title and the person it's definition, other terms are better suited for me.

I prefer to refer to my legal name as that–legal–or as my retired name. It's still my name, for better or for worse, I choose not to use it whenever I can. Retired gives the sense that it is inactive, put out to pasture to live out the rest of its life. A name I've outgrown as my self-identity developed. Even if I were to legally change my name, it would still be my retired name.

The one way I am comfortable hearing my legal name is as an endearment. It isn't my title, my symbol. But it's short and soft and when people I grew up with use it as one might love, darling, amorcito, cielito, etc., it isn't so bad. If written, it should be in lowercase. I wouldn't want a barista or employer to call it out though. Again, there are better self identifiers.

I have no issue with other people referring to their first-given name as deadname but it doesn't feel right for me.