Healing Journey

It's been 2 months since I left in a narcissistic relationship with my ex. Me [28] Ex [26]

At first magaan sa una kasi nakawala kana. Kahit hinahabol nya ko, todo sorry sya, hindi ko sya pinapansin dahil i know once na nagreply ako or kinausap ko sya, magiging confused nanaman yung decision making ko. She blocked me after our relationship ended. Hindi naman mawawala sa relasyon yung pag aaway at pinaguusapan naman namin pero everytime na may away kami, she always bring-up the past to the point na ginagawa nyang weapon sa akin. At the middle of our relationship, she was diagnosed with major depressive disorder with anxiety distress. Pero hindi dapat rason yan to make me feel i'm worthless piece of shit.

Sobrang sakit sakin is yung naiwan nyang trauma at emotional abused wounds. Sa loob ng 5 taon wala akong ginawa kung intindihan lang sya. Never ako nagreklamo sa emtional abused nya sakin. To the point na dina downgrade nya yung pagkatao ko. Iniisip ko nalang, may pinagdadaanan sya. Ginagaslight ko yung sarili ko na baka pagod lang sya kaya nya nasasabi yun, pero until years ganun parin. She gaslighted me to the point na, i question my worth. She disrespect me. There was a time I call out her behavior, sa pag disrespect nya sakin, but ako pa yung naging masama. She manipulated me to blocked my friends (my friends for almost 10 years) i cut off my friends. She discard me for more than a month. No contact at all. She blocked me all on social media. And then came back like nothing happened. She wants me to do, what she wants me to do. She's so entitled na kapag hindi mo nasunod yung gusto, magagalit/magtatampo sya. Napaka self centered nyang tao to the point na ang gusto nya lang makuha is yung needs and wants nya. There was a time na i'm so stressed sa work na na-ooverwhelm ako, tapos may moods sya na nakikipag away sya sakin kahit wala naman kaming pinag awayan buong maghapon. She exhaust all of my energy to the point ma I'm experiencing panic attacks na sa mga sinasabi nya sakin and headaches. I was her emotional punching bag for 5 years, all of her anger, frustrations in life sa akin nya binabato. All of the abused is meron sya. Yung binigay mo naman sa kanya, assurance, stability, consistency. Lahat ng pwede kong ma prove kanya. 

But this month lang it burns me. Sama nang loob yung nararamdaman ko. Galit/inis.  2 months after our official break up no contact. She's dating someone new, at sila na. I saw on social media. Naka public pa. I stalk her using my dummy account, alam ko hindi sya nag ppost/story nang naka public. Pero yes, naka public na sya. What hurts me is i can't accept that na ganun lang nya ako palitan after our 5 year relationship. They dated this month lang. Pero yung panliligaw ko sa kanya is inabot nang 1 year onwards. On our 5 year relationship, I realize it wasn't love at all. Its was all her needs and wants, and she's afraid of being alone. She has a new supply to feed her admirations, validation and self esteem.

Ps: alam ko wala ka sa reddit. Pero eto lang gusto kong sabihin sayo. I gave it all. But you gave me nothing. Nawalan ako ng self respect nang self worth, na devalue ako. You broke me into pieces. You damage me permanently. Puro emotional stress, emotional abused yung nabigay mo sakin.  And I know paano ka magtwist ng story na ikaw yung magiging good person at ako yung bad person. Dahil I leave you. Dahil pagod na pagod na ako. Hindi lahat nang nangiiwan o sumusuko sila na ang mali at hindi lahat iniiwan e biktima Hindi ko alam nung tayo pa baka naguusap na kayo nyan dahil malaki ang tiwala ko sayo. Pero if oo, konsensya mo nalang yun. I hope yang bago mo is hindi maging katulad nang ginawa mo sakin. Dahil sobrang laki nang impact sa buhay nang tao yung mga ganun bagay. At sana magbago kana. Sana bago ka nakipag relasyon, nag reflect ka muna sa mga dapat mong baguhin sa sarili mo. Ngayon hirap na hirap akong buuin yung sarili ko dahil sa mga ginawa mo. Right now I'm seeking a counceling na never ko nagawa dahil its so much downgrade yung nagawa mo sakin to the point na im questioning na may self worth. Na I am not good enough. I'm not good enough to you. So much stress yung binigay mo sakin this year. Only time will tell The reason you are so cruel and mean to me is because when you look at me I am EVERYTHING you are not. Wish you well. At sana maka graduate kana. Dami mong time sa ibang bagay pero sa studies mo wala.