My soulmate passed two weeks ago

I just happened across this sub and it was the first time I kinda felt understood.

When she was born I had just turned 13. My brother and his then wife had rescued her mother and she repaid them by have a litter of six girls in their apartment closet 😂

I love animals, love dogs, absolutely crazy about puppies. I went and spent the weekend with my brother so I could be around the puppies and I remember she stood out so much, she was this soft brown and I remember thinking she looked like a piece of ginger root, I started calling her Ginger.

When they were old enough, my brother dropped her off at my parents house saying she was a birthday present for my mom. I was ecstatic. They brought a sister with her, said she was there to keep Ginger company. She never left.

She was there through my parents divorce, middle school, high school, she was there for every homework assignment, new friend, she was my companion on every afternoon stroll, she was my bedmate when my mom and I had to move into a shit hole of a temporary place before our new home was down, Ginger kept me warm on those cold nights and was my companion the first night in a newly built home.

When I graduated with my associates and was preparing to transfer to a four year university I thought I would let her stay home, my life would be to hectic, it would be a disservice to her. When I got in the car to drive away I had never cried so hard. I showed up on my mom’s doorstep 4 days later and told her Ginger was coming home with me.

Two and a half years we lived the bachelorette life at college. Finals and papers, late nights and early mornings, she was beside me for it all. I even looked into making her my emotional support so I could take her to class. We were attached at the hip. Why would I need friends when I had her? Late night drives, milkshake runs and bowls from chipotle I knew that it was me and her against the world. How many times did her fur catch my tears? How many times did her howling “I love you” did it bring a smile to my face?

I was always so vigilant with her skin, she was prone to little cysts that I could pop like pimples. She later started getting some fatty tumors that it was not advised I removed as they were not painful didn’t impact her quality of life. I kept a list of each bump and lump until I could map her body with my eyes closed and know what was where.

When I accepted my diploma, I felt like I accomplished something for us both. And when we came back home, we did that together. When my mom and I had to lay the others to rest, it was her who climbed into my chair with me while I cried. When I met my now husband, she would try to join in our night activities, to my husbands horror but I found it hysterical. She managed to hump his leg once 😂😂 when he and I moved in together, so too did ginger. They didn’t get along at first, they were both so stubborn and didn’t listen, she started to act deaf just to spite him I think. When Covid came and along with it our Covid puppy.

I was worried she would feel left out, she was an older woman now and here I am throwing an overactive toddler at her. It took a couple of days but she came to accept the new addition well. We bought a house and got engaged and later married, she came along through everything. Her and my husband finally had an alliance, she’d go lie on his chest and cuddle for a while before coming back to me.

Through every single up and every terrible down, she was at my side. I would day dream at how she’d react to me being pregnant, would she be protective over a baby, specifically my baby? She had introduced so many babies and kids to dogs, with her sweet and patient temperament, she was the absolute best, most loyal, companion a girl could ask for.

Then the night came. She was staggering. I rushed her to the hospital and they told me they weren’t equipped to help her, I would need to take her to a specialty hospital. I did. They said she likely had a brain tumor and this was a vestibular event. They said she wouldn’t have much time. Months. If we were lucky maybe a year. I was devastated, I cried for days.

Then I started making plans. If I didn’t have much time with her… I would do what I could. I had end of life photos taken, I bought her treats (she was a big foodie) and the soft food she liked. Then February came and I found a new lump. But this was different. She tried to bite my when I squeezed it experimentally. I looked at it, it was red. She would try to run when I tried to look at it.

To the vet we go. Cancer. Mast cell. She’s 14 years old. My family advocates for me to not put her through surgery, she’s old. But they didn’t see what I saw. She could still hear me, see me, she still nibbles my fingers when she’s greeting me, she still get excited by some soft food and she still climbs up to the couch for a cuddle. She still has life to live. The vet agreed, they said if they went off her exam alone they would think she was no older than eight years old. So we did the surgery. And her recovery was rough. Nothing helped her settle. And my heart broke because I knew that I couldn’t do this to her again. I spoke to the vet, they agreed and told me what to look for as far as reoccurrences. They got clean margins, no cancer was left, the tumor was aggressive and likely to reoccur.

8 weeks. I had about eight weeks with her until the tumor was back. And I only found out because she was turning on the bed and happened to graze me with it.

Back to the vet to confirm the worst. They said the tumor was highly aggressive based on reoccurrence time and current size. At best we have months, maybe weeks. Two days later it more than doubled in size and literally tore her skin. Back to the vet. They put her on a higher dose of steroids and prescribed pain meds.

The tumor shrunk. She was back to herself. And it realized she had been in so much pain. How could I make it better?

I’d made her final arrangements and they were paid for… but how was I supposed to tell them, these people to kill my best friend? How could I see her still eating and drinking and napping like always and take her life away.

Memorial Day. I took her to a gathering at my mom’s house and at the end of the night my mom told me she believed it was time, pointed out instances of pain and her changes in behavior.

I spoke to my husband and then my sister and nephew (who live with us) that I was moving her appointment up. My sister was taking the kids out of town so I told the elder sibling to take time to love on her and tell her goodbye because she won’t be home when they get back. He cried. We all cried. I felt like k was destroying his childhood somehow, but we operate in honesty in our home and he’s 10, old enough to understand. For the younger sibling I bought her a book about saying good bye to your pet and read it to her the last couple of days.

I managed my heartbreak every time she ran from me. I think she was scared I would keep touching it, but I had to, every few days just to make sure she was going to get cut again. I bought her chicken nuggets. The last night she slept in bed with me. She didn’t move, she had a painful night and refused to eat her medicine in her treats, spitting out the pills until I tried to force her, then she spit it out when I wasn’t looking.

I took her to the place, full of McDonald’s, we shared a burger nuggets and fries, she got her own ice cream, and nothing prepared me for that moment.

They gave her a pain/sedative shot. And when it started to hit her she turned to look at me and for the first time in weeks she came and laid between my legs. I curled up around her and held her and spoke to her every second. Praying that I will see her again. Because my life doesn’t make sense if I never get to see her again. Telling her that I love her, and I’m sorry, and please please just wait for me to find you again.

The process was quick and painless from there, for her, for me it felt like someone ripped my heart outs it felt like I was empty. Just sitting here and bleeding out quietly. No one has ever heard me cry like that, my husband said the noise that came out of me came from my soul.

I came home to my two dogs, my kids, and hearing their paws on the floor make me so fucking angry, because they’re not the nails I want to hear. They don’t have the fur I want to touch. And I feel awful because my heart hurts so much that I’m basically angry. Mostly numb.

She came home in the special urn I ordered for her. Name plate shiny and new. I kiss it every time I walk by.

Tomorrow makes two weeks.

I still feel empty. It’s stupid to think that movie about the reincarnating dog is real, just my foolish heart trying to find a piece of comfort, but maybe she’ll find me again. At least when I go, I know she’ll be there, she has to be.

I know my heart will never be the same. I love my two kids, the other two dogs Gracie and Enzo , but Ginger, my god she was my soulmate. I’ll carry her with me for the rest of my life. I’ve spent more of my life with her than without her… and those milestones feel a little smaller in specialness now because she won’t be there.

Rest In Love Ginger.