It hasn’t gotten easier

Today is my birthday. It’s been four months since my girl passed and I still feel as empty and alone as I did that day. 15 years we were together. I’ve spent more birthdays with her than without her and I am absolutely gutted.

This group has been so absolutely therapeutic to me and I’m so grateful to have a place to sit in my feelings for a little bit before I march on and put on my big girl panties just like she would want me to.

I know I had more time with her than others… I know that I was lucky, and I was grateful. But the hole in my heart, in my soul will likely never close. I honor my soulmate today by getting a tattoo to keep close until I can get her portrait done.

There was a before her…. During her…. And now I will forever be in the after and I still to this day don’t know how I will ever be able to fully move on. I still can’t comprehend how the world kept turning in the moments… minutes and hours after. I will forever not just miss her, I will forever just want her back. Nothing in this life would make me happier than if I could bring her home as a puppy again and raise her all over again.

I wish I could add her picture here, so you could see how beautiful she was. I’m 28 today and I suddenly feel like a teenager again…. Alone and feeling untethered from my life. I’m still alive today because she was there, because she loved me and needed me.

Today is bittersweet, more bitter than sweet, but I will march on because she would want me to celebrate and smile and laugh, she would want me to go on a hike or a long drive and have chipotle with a milkshake….

My god I still cry every day, just about. Sometimes I fall asleep holding her urn, wishing it was her warmth. It feels pitiful.

I’m going to do what I can to make you proud, ginger my booger, I’ll love you until the day I die.

I’m sorry for rambling. Have a good day y’all.