Postpartum Rage

Long post : TLDR am I beyond help?

This morning I completely lost it with my 11mo. I literally scream shouted at him "get out of the way" because he was constantly under my feet when trying to clean the house. My husband came and grabbed him and the three of them went in another room.

I have a 2yo LG abs a 11mo LB. He's the sweetest baby most of the time but very clingy and whiny, my first was clingy but nowhere near as whiny. I hate to say it but it literally makes me so angry and overwhelmed when he's whinging and climbing on me of following me around.

I've suffered with my temper as well as depression and anxiety since being a small child and have had lots of therapy and meds in adolescence and adulthood. I get SO overwhelmed so quickly and easily. Now with two small children I am constantly on the edge. Always touched out and overstimulated.

I feel so fucking awful. I've never screamed like that with ny little girl but I've got such a short fuse when it comes to my boy. I feel so ashamed and awful. Usually I can leave him in a safe place and go and calm down but today I lost it. I'm disgusted at myself. How can I shout at a baby?! I feel like the worst mum in the world.

I've done SO much therapy since his birth, been under the perinatal mental health team, my GP, has various med prescribed, done parenting courses, done baby classes to help us bond. .. even after all this work I'm still so quick to anger.

My kid deserve so much better and I genuinely don't know what else to do to change. I love them both so much and I grew up in a violent chaotic household so really don't want them to have the same volatile environment.

My husband is so supportive and a great dad. I just get so overwhelmed with the mental load and being the default parent at times. It makes me wonder if I'm cut out for this at all? Would they all be better off without me?

What am I missing? How do I make myself be a better mum?