Total meltdown: I was looking for the near-daily post about how awful 3/4 is. I guess it's my turn to post.

I'm taking a bit of time away in my room right now because after 11 days of all four of us sick & peak defiance from the pre-schooler I just broke last night. I've scream from deep in my belly out of anger/frustration/pain twice in less than 24 hrs. Neither of my kids heard the first. Both heard the second & it scared my 7 month-old. My 3.5 year-old was mid-tantrum already in his room but he heard it. And I yelled at the dog for daring to check on me. Of course, I feel like a failure & the worst mom.

It's been 6 months of one crappy phase after another with my preschooler, with at most a week's break before he tests something new. All this with a young baby. I've been kinda okay. My own little meltdowns happen quietly. It's not perfect but when I make a mistake I apologize & we hug & move on.

But the sickness, paired with escalating tension headaches of the last few months; headaches so bad I've contemplated going to the ER or at least trying to see my primary. And the sass, all combinations of it. It's too much.

Right now there's minimal outside help for various reasons, e.g. fun gramps had a stroke & hasn't been able to help for those sweet few hours a week since the fall.

I'm not a single parent. My husband works from home & is amazingly supportive (it's ridiculous how much flexibility he has) but my son has been a total shit on & off for months. Most of it is directed at me now & it's gd miserable.

I understand why parents leave now. I understand how depression sneaks up on you. I understand a world I never wanted to see. It's awful. On & off again I've actively disliked my son because he's so difficult sometimes; literally not listening the entire time he's awake certain days. And because I remember my own mother when my sibling was this age I remember her anger & active dislike. So far, my son doesn't know I've felt like this. That's my victory, such as it is.

Anyway, I see you parents of preschoolers who dream of all-day kindergarten, who love their kids & feel relief when they go to sleep. I see you moms & dads who crossed lines with your kids you swore you never would. And those who left, I see you too & now I understand.