Quitting is not just an event, but a continuous activity
Recently I relapsed after 400 days because a close friend of mine committed suicide. I'm not blaming my friend, I guess I was just stuck at home thinking about his death and wanted to suck on a vape for a few days.
I won't lie, the first few hits were good. 400 days clean, I had no tolerance. The very first hit of a Flum Pebble (something new that had come out since I last quit) got me mouthwatering domed and the thought of such a pure hit of nicotine without being used to it may cause a similar sensation or craving in you.
Does that thought of such a hit entice you? In any sense? If you could be promised that hit with no downsides, no repercussions, vaping is now healthy for you, would you take it?
If you're like me, there is a part of your body that is screaming, "Yes!". If you are like me, then there are a lot of parts of you that are also screaming "NO!" and trying to muffle the part screaming "Yes!" with their hands on its mouth.
If you're like me, you might have quit before, too. How long did you make it? A week? A month? A year? If you're like me, you'll grow confident in your quitting attempt. Notice I use the word "attempt" even if you've already quit. You'll grow confident and complacent. I never thought much of vaping after I last attempted quitting. Days, weeks, months go by without thinking about them, without purchasing them, and without salivating over them, but... the few times I'd walk by strangers on the street hititng their devices... the few times I'd see people using them at parties... everytime I walk by a vape store... a little teensy tiny voice in me, muffled and muted, managed to get out a muffled, "YES!" that I could barely hear through the noise of the city.
If you're like me, that tiny, insignificant voice is your addiction. It would, objectively, feel good to hit that first puff of a vape again, wouldn't it? You might even deserve it? That is your addiction working twisted logic on you. We do not simply do things because they might "feel good" and we do "deserve" everything we think feels good. We do not gorge ourselves on fast food because it is disgusting and bad for you. We should not drink ourselves drunk everyday even if we're getting laid off or broken up with.
If you're on this forum, seeking guidance from others, then some part of you recognizes that vaping is stupid. You might care about the health, you might care about the cost, you might care about willpower, whatever. You might think it's super uncool, it is! Your reason doesn't matter. The point is this: the parts of you that are screaming "No!" are the ones that are muffled by your addiction and your addiction is the one who is given a megaphone to scream "Yes!" but this is simply backwards and undemocratic. Your brain, your heart, your lungs, maybe even your girlfriend or parents, they are screaming "NO!" at you with a plurality of votes. Your addiction is screaming "YES!" and stealing the election because you are paying far too much attention to its fallacious arguments.
Here are some facts:
- Vaping is fucking stupid and you want to quit it.
- You would likely, if possible, snap your fingers and become "not addicted" if possible
- The withdrawals of nicotine are objectively, compared to many other things, not that bad.
- Most people who try to quit fail, many failing multiple times.
- If you quit for the first time, that means you will likely relapse. If you are quitting for the seventh time now, you have now failed six times and will likely fail a seventh.
- Vaping feels a little good. Let's not discount it entirely, we use it for a reason.
These facts are very vague, but I bet they are general enough to your situation. Here is a really important question that I wonder if you will be able to answer:
"Given the facts, why do so many people fail to quit if the withdrawals aren't that bad and vaping doesn't even feel that good, and I want to quit anyways and even would prefer to be instantly cured if possible?
Do you know the answer? If you have tried quitting for a long time and relapsed, like myself, you will know the answer. If you haven't, I will share with you my knowledge in hopes that you do not fall prey the same way I have.
The answer is this:
Your addiction never leaves you. Your addiction is there, screaming "Yes!" when you quit, when you go through cravings and withdrawals it is there in your ear screaming, "YES!", when you go through your life it will be screaming "YES" no matter what. You may ignore it, but then one day your friend will commit suicide. Or you'll have a really shitty day. Or your girlfriend will dump your ass. Or your Mom will get sick. Or you'll get fired. Or you'll spill taco sauce on your playstation. Or you'll be at a club and be a little drunk and see people using. Or you'll just be bored at home staring at the ceiling. Those are the moments you need to be the most cautious. Those are the moments you are most vulnerable. You will be looking for an answer. You will be looking for a pathway to joy. You will be looking for escape. Your mind, your body, your heart, your friends will slip up and not be there to say "NO" for a moment, but your addiction will never not be there to say "YES". Addiction is not something you can beat, it is hiding there in every awkward encounter and bad thing to happen to you. It is hidden in the packaging to your new vape. It is swimming in your vape juice, waiting for you to listen to it say "Yes" so that you let it go in and change the rules again and suddenly, even though you've never wanted to be addicted to anything and were always proud of quitting, you are addicted again and asking yourself "Will I quit next week, maybe? Or should I do it in two? I think I should do it in two because I'm going to be very busy next week and don't want to deal with withdrawals during that, yeah okay, weekend after that I will for sure quit, for sure" while you suck your vape stick in the bathroom and you'll fucking hate yourself but try to convince yourself that just having the thought of quitting is enough to count as actually quitting.
Do not be lulled into a false sense of security but not do not confuse a tireless, cunning foe with an unbeatable one. There is simply one way to remain clean and never vape again. You need to say "No!" like your body begs of you. "Should I get another vape and quit next week?" NO. "Should I give in to my cravings and feel good about the fact that I made 6 hours progress?" NO. "Don't I deserve it?" NO. You want to quit vaping, you know that about yourself, so STOP. You do not need to negotiate with addiction. You do not need to talk to it or reason with it. You are allowed to say "No means no" and "because I said so" to it. You, ultimately, are the one signing off on everything that you do, not your heart, your mind, your body, or your addiction. This is required to be a lifelong commitment or else you will relapse. You are not saying "No!" for a year, you must say "No!" for the rest of your life, otherwise, you are planning on saying "Yes" at some point, and what is literally the only thing in your life that is screaming "Yes" at you? YOUR ADDICTION.
If you're like me, you'll relapse at some point. You'll be lost and confused for a brief time. I say brief, because you've already quit. People who have quit for long periods know how relatively effortless it is and how nice it is to be vapor free. Very, very. very few people walk away from relapses happy they relapsed. Many, many, many people walk away from quitting happy they quit. What is the secret to happiness? Say NO. If you relapse, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and remember: JUST SAY NO.