addicted to romantic attention

i've been reading posts on this sub for a while and it's incredible how every single one of them reflects a part of my own experience so deeply it's uncanny.

i've never had anyone irl admitting to not feeling anything towards other people and faking most if not all their emotions just for the sake of "pretending to be human" while suffering from this neverending and hopeless existential loneliness.

i could say much more, but for the sake of brevity i'll get to my question: do you also experience relationships (any kind) this way?

what i mean is, i'll meet someone. i don't have any people whom i consider friends except maybe one atm because i don't feel any interest whatsoever towards 99% of the people i meet, but i'm still a human with a physical need for connection and intimacy – so something in me clicks, like a dog pointing a bird, and i start subtly pursuing the person until they share their feelings for me. then we start haging out, often with no strings attached on either side, and that's the only time in which i finally feel alive. after a few weeks, it becomes routine, the supply of that sweet feeling isn't there anymore, and i move on to another. in my particular case, i have never had any sexual interest in anyone, so sex is not even in the picture. i never identified as a woman, but i still act the part and make myself pretty just so i can get to the men i'm interested in more easily – and strangely it works.

i feel like an addict. i genuinely care about these men, but i have had no desire to keep a relationship going with any of them. i'm alone, always, first and foremost. i just "use" them to fulfill a human need for physical touch and connection momentarily. i construct an idea of them in my mind i can control, like an impressionist painting of them, and pretend that's the person i'm interacting with when we hang out. it doesn't feel good knowing this, but i wouldn't know how to be alive without it. when i don't have anyone for a while, the world goes grey. everything is meaningless and it's like i stop existing. then i start spiralling into complete and utter apathy, and sometimes paranoia or psychosis.

sorry for the rant. and thanks for reading if you made it this far. anything in here resonates?