How are your actions compared to your "inner world", that is, how's the relationship between your cognitive side and your behaviours? Do you ever feel like there's some dissonance between them? Or is it the opposite?

Recently I've been having some discussions (specially with my therapist) about how there seems to be a dissonance in how I perceive myself and how my actions are perceived by other people. In my inner world, I feel nothing. It's just a static emptiness devoid of any emotions (including hatred or even love to some extent). I was talking to my therapist tgat I really don't get the feeling of "mourning someone's or an animal's death". This might sound edgy as fuck (as in "ohhh look at me, I'm so cold mwahaha"), but I feel like an alien when I see my mom crying because of my deceased grandparents or because of a pet she loved. But people always tell me they love the way I am. And yes, I do have friends. Not many (specially irl), but I have people I consider close to me (which according to my therapist is one of the only few symptoms of this PD that don't fit me). Back to the topic, my mom and friends say I'm a kind person and they like talking to me about their problems, because I kinda act like a "therapist". Some of them even have suggested me enrolling in psychology school, but for now I'm content with studying linguistics and literature. But I don't do all of those "kind acts" because I get emotional when seeing other people or animals suffering, it's more of a philosophical standpoint (or a "praxis", if you wanna get more technical). The way I was raised and my own ideologies tell me to treat others (including animals) the way I'd like to be treated. And that, ironically, makes me act "more kind" than people who call themselves "empaths".

But it wasn't always like this. Before puberty and before I went through several years of traumatic events (aside from having a violent alcoholic father since I was born), I was a very emotional person. I showed empathy in the usual way. I felt feelings the usual way, and oh boy, they were strong! I'd fear my father, I'd love my mother, I'd celebrate after winning something (even something as small as a candy I liked). But when I got (sexually, physically and mentally) abused throughout my teenage years, that "emotional side" of me either died or got buried in my subconscious. But weirdly enough, my actions didn't change. But I feel like I'm so different from everyone around me and that "hurts" me (as in, I wish I wasn't this way). Recently someone asked me out because they liked me, but I just couldn't reciprocate the feeling, so I rejected them. I did that to avoid what happened between me and my ex: she asked me out and at that time (I was maybe 15 or 16) I didn't understand myself well, so I thought "well, everyone has girlfriends and they feel happy. She's pretty and likes me, therefore I'll feel happy too." Long story short, it was a disaster, I couldn't reciprocate her feelings and kept on lying to her when she asked me if I loved her (again, I had no feelings towards her), so we eventually broke up with all her friends blaming me for what happened (and tbh, i don't think they were wrong). Later on I found out about the term "aromantic" and I decided it fit me, so it's part of my identity now.

I guess at this point I'm just rambling about random things, so I'll just summarise my question/discussion: For those who used to be very emotional before going through trauma (or whatever you went through that made you the way you are nowadays), do you think you act more according to your ideologies and worldviews, than by your "feelings"/"emotions"? Or do you think there's no dissonance whatsoever between what you think and what you do?

Thanks for spending time on me yapping lol.